Sunday, November 10, 2024:
Today we finally got rid of Dad’s clothes. Before Dad died, I knew how painful it would be when we had to get rid of his stuff after he died.
I don’t want anything to change. I don’t want to feel like Dad isn’t here anymore even though he isn’t here anymore. I still want to see his stuff everywhere. I still want to see his soap, shampoo, and hairbrush in the bathroom. I still want to see his phones, medicines, and medical kits on his side of the table. I want to see the cross and the bible on his desk, and not a fucking Sajadah on his chair!
I used to feel fine whenever anyone died. When Dad was still alive, I didn’t care about whoever died, whoever left me, I would still be fine as long as Dad was still with me. I only needed him in my life, but he’s gone now, and my whole world collapsed.
I would do anything and give anything to have just one more day with Dad, just to kiss his head again, smell his hair and his aftershave, say hello in the morning and goodnight before bed. I really want to see him again, hear him again, smell him again, even though it’s just my imagination, hallucination, dreams, anything that isn’t real, I don’t care. It would make me happy.
I just want one more day with Dad. I want to spend the whole day with Dad, just like when it’s my birthday, or his birthday.
In his last 3 birthdays, we didn’t spend the day like I wish we would. On his 70th birthday, I was in Bali. I didn’t come home for his birthday because I just moved to Bali and he was about to visit me very soon after his birthday. On his 71st birthday, he went to the ICU and for the first time, I really felt like I would lose him anytime soon. It was the second scariest and worst moment in my life, but he survived. On his 72nd birthday, I spent the whole day with him, he was healthy, but I didn’t have enough money and he had to pay for his own birthday dinner. He didn't seem to mind at all. He was having a great time, but I was really sad. I thought I would redeem myself on his next birthday. I thought, on his next birthday, he wouldn’t have to spend his money at all, and I would give him the best birthday, but there will never be another birthday. It was his last birthday.
On my birthday, when I still lived with him, we always spent the whole day together. He would take me to Gramedia or the cinema. We saw ‘Jurassic World’ on my 32nd birthday. I didn’t write my diary between my 25th to my 31st birthday, but on one of my birthdays, I went to the cinema with Dad to watch something, just the 2 of us. What was that? When was that? Was it in 2017? What did we watch?
Imagine a whole day with Dad. When I woke up, I would go to his room and check on him. He used to sleep in Adrian’s room. He usually woke up around 6 to pray then went back to bed and would wake up again around 9. Sometimes he didn’t go back to bed.
I usually went checking on him after my exercise, which would be around 9. If I didn’t do exercise, I would wake up closer to 9 as well. Sometimes I went checking on him around 8. I would open the door slowly, just in case he was still asleep. Sometimes he was. I would watch him sleep peacefully, sometimes with his hands in between his knees. He was cold but he didn’t want to put on a blanket.
Sometimes he was already awake, sitting on his chair, busy with his phone. He would ask me, “Kamu udah yoga?”
I would lie down on his bed and start talking to him. We would talk about football games, recent updates, our favourite music and artists, or anything light. If he saw me staying up really late the other night, he would start the conversation with, “Kamu tidur jam berapa?” and I would ask him the same thing, since he saw me staying up late. Sometimes he wasn’t staying up late, but just awakened in the middle of the night because he needed to go to the bathroom.
Sometimes he would just talk about what time he woke up and what he did after that. “Bapak tadi kebangun jam setengah enam, terus mau tidur lagi tanggung kan, sebentar lagi jam 6, waktunya sembahyang, jadi Bapak ke bawah, ngambil minum, buang sampah, sikatan…. Pas udah jam 6, Bapak sembahyang, terus udah, nggak tidur lagi.”
Something like that. I tried to imagine his voice and his Javanese accent. No one talks like him. He was very articulate and elegant, anything that Mom isn’t and will never be. Dad always spoke very slowly. Sometimes I just didn’t have the patience to wait until he finished his sentence.
I would spend some time in Dad’s room, then I'd say, “Makan buah yuk, Yah!” or “Sarapan yuk, Yah!” and he would ask me, “Ada sarapan/buah apa?” and we would come downstairs about 15 minutes after that.
We would sit at the dining table. Most of the time Mom would’ve been there. Dad would always sit on his chair, the one near the fan. Mom’s seat was next to him. I would prepare the fruit for him. I would serve the fruit on a plate and with a knife. He would say, “Ya, terima kasih,” but he was just so used to being served and spoiled by everyone in his life. He seemed to feel entitled to being served. He would ask me to grab him some water or to fill his water bottle. “Tolong diisi,” he would say while giving me his water bottle.
Sometimes Dad would cut the fruit for me. I would feel very special. He rarely did that to anyone else, since he was usually the one being served.
I would then make him his favourite breakfast food, the fried cheese sandwich. It would be so much better to eat it right away before the toast lost its crunchiness, but Dad always waited at least 30 minutes in between the fruit and the other meal. Most of the time, he waited more than 30 minutes. He would go back upstairs and start cleaning the balcony. He took a very long time cleaning the balcony, and then he would water the plants.
He was very peculiar when it came to taking care of his plants. When he came back downstairs, I would’ve finished my sandwich. As he started eating his, he would tell me the condition of the plants and what he did with the plants. We often discussed the plants. Once, the plants grew so well and beautiful and we were both so proud of it.
If Ketoprak showed up before I made the sandwich, we would probably order Ketoprak. His was always with no rice noodles, no bean sprout, lots of garlic, and one chili. If we heard Ketoprak as we ate our sandwiches, one of us would say, “Yah, Ketopraknya baru lewat sekarang.” Sometimes we would still order it anyway. Sometimes we would share a portion of Ketoprak, but I mostly ordered one portion for myself. We always talked about how the Ketoprak guy always calls female customers ‘Cantik’ and male customers ‘Ganteng’.
We usually spent a long time at the dining table. We could sit there long after we finished our meal. We would start talking about recent political issues, football games, or music. When we talked about politics, sometimes we would have a heated argument. Sometimes he just bored me with the same opinions all over again. I was also bored of him talking so highly about Jokowi. Now I would do anything to be able to listen to him talking about Jokowi again, to make the same complaints he always made about this country. Even though, in his last days, he was really disappointed in Jokowi.
Sometimes we would just share the new knowledge that we just learned from books, Podcasts, YouTube, or our conversations with other people. We could talk about anything from ancient aliens, spiritualism, astronomy, geology, geopolitics, history, mathematics, and conspiracy theories, simply anything! He had a lot of interests and knowledge. He knew the Javanese history and culture very well.
We could talk about music for hours. We would show each other great covers of our favourite songs. He knew a lot about music too. I could always ask him about a song that I like and he would tell me the original artist, the writer, the history of the song, and also sentimental things about that song, like why he liked it or why that song was special to him.
Our conversation is not always that sophisticated. Sometimes we would talk about people too. We would talk about Deany, Adrian, Sora, and Kapya, Tante Didi and Livia, other family members, mostly with pride, but when we talked about Mom, we were mostly complaining. I miss complaining about Mom to him.
Usually around 10 or 11, he would start checking on his phone, making a plan of what he should do that day. He would say, “Bapak mau ke pasar. Kamu ada perlu apa?” or “Nanti kamu ikut ke pasar ya.”
If I didn’t come with him, before he left, he would tell me, “Kamu di bawah terus? Bapak nggak bawa kunci ya.”
Sometimes he would remind me too, “Kamu belum latihan piano hari ini?”
Before he died, I never knew how proud he was of me and my piano skill. I’m not even that good.
He really liked it when I played ‘Nuvole Bianche’. I told him I heard that song during my Yoga Teacher Training, so he always called it ‘Lagu Yoga’. He would ask me to play piano for him. He often asked me to play ‘Nuvole Bianche’. Sometimes he would send me a song and ask me to play the piano. The last song he sent to me was ‘She’s Always a Woman’ by Billy Joel.
When I lived in Bali, I always wanted to come with him anywhere he went when I was in Jakarta. He would drive and I would sit next to him and we would listen to our songs. It was like Drew Barrymore and her dad in ‘Riding in Cars with Boys’. Dad really loved that movie. Drew Barrymore was one of his favourite actresses.
Sometimes we would just be quiet and enjoy the songs. Sometimes we would sing along. Sometimes we would talk about the songs, especially if I had never heard the song before. He would tell me anything about the song. We always loved it when we arrived at our destination and finished parking the car when a song was ending. Sometimes, when the song hadn’t ended, we would wait for it to end before we left the car.
We would go to Pasmod or Fresh Market for grocery shopping. We would buy fruit. Dad was so good at picking the best fruit. He could tell which papayas were fresh and ready to be eaten, or which mangoes were sweet. He would buy a lot of snacks too, especially if we would have football games in the evening. Many sellers in the market were already familiar with his face because he was a loyal customer.
I was always so protective of him in the market. I would hold his arm or put my arm on his back. I was clingy too. I often put my head on his shoulder. Sometimes, many times, I took him for granted, but most of the time, I was fully aware that I wouldn’t have him forever.
Sometimes we would go to Sari Salon and he would get a massage. Sometimes I went with him to his barber for 30 years, Houdini. He always went to the same barbershop and only wanted the same barber, Pak Maman.
Sometimes we would go to the banks. Banks are boring, but I enjoyed going to the bank with Dad. I would lean to him and put my head on his shoulder. Sometimes he would go from one ATM to another, paying bills or taking some cash.
Sometimes we would go to the mall, usually when he needed something for his gadget. We often went to ITC BSD, a place that I would never visit if I wasn’t with him. I hate that place. He would look for a new phone, or new phone accessories, or fix his phone. Sometimes he looked for new t-shirts too. Before Netflix, we also used to spend a lot of time looking for DVD’s.
Sometimes we would go to Gramedia and spend hours there, looking for books or just window shopping. Books about Java and its history always attracted him. He loved buying me books too.
When he was done with all the tasks he needed to get done with, he would ask me, “Kamu perlu ke mana lagi?” and I usually didn’t need to go anywhere else, so we would just go home. Sometimes we stopped at Total Buah on the way home. We would drink some juice or eat Tahu Gejrot, or again, buy some snacks for the football game.
When we got home, if we hadn’t had lunch yet, we would have lunch. If we had had lunch outside, we would just take a shower. He would sit at the dining table for a long time. He would check on his plans, check the ones he had done, and then he would spend more time on his phone. He usually watched a video and it usually annoyed me. I would just leave him and go upstairs.
Dad would spend hours at the dining table, looking at his phone. He would fall asleep and wake up when the phone fell off his hand, then he would look at his phone again and fall asleep again. After hours, he would finally go to the bathroom and take a shower. It would take him at least one and a half hours to shower. He would make such a loud noise, gagging, coughing, and clearing his throat.
When he emerged from the bathroom, he would smell so good. We would be able to smell his aftershave from afar.
We would have dinner together. Sometimes he took a shower after dinner, sometimes he didn’t eat dinner because he was still full from lunch. When we had dinner together, we would have more conversations, just like breakfast and lunch. If we were about to watch a football game, we would talk about the game. We would talk about the position of each team and how many points they needed to make in this game. We would analyse the probability of both teams to get to the next stage. He would ask me, “Mas Andre apa komentarnya?” or he would just tell me what Mas Andre told him.
Sometimes, when we weren’t watching football games, we would watch a movie. We mostly watched horror movies. We loved horror movies, but most horror movies were lame and not scary at all. We mostly ended up with a huge disappointment. We liked dramas too, but only the good ones.
Sometimes we would just talk the whole night. I would come to his room and we would just talk. Sometimes I asked him about his childhood. He had a lot of very interesting stories from his childhood. Sometimes we could talk until it was very late. Sometimes we talked until 2 or 3 in the morning!
When I got up, he would ask, “Udah mau tidur?” and then he said, “Ya, selamat tidur.”
I would kiss his head and say good night too. “Selamat tidur, Ayah.”