40 Days

“Some pagan traditions believe that the soul of a recently deceased person continues to wander the earth for forty days.” - some link on Google

“From the Catholic and Orthodox Christian memorial services and 40 days of prayer for the dead to the death rites of Hinduism, Buddhism, and Islam, the 40th day stands for universal respect for the change of the soul.” - also Google

How did people come with these 40 days though? Whoever started this might be really shocked when their loved one died. They weren’t ready because, who are ever ready for such a painful experience?

So, they started to create this belief, right? They needed to believe that they still had the last chance to say goodbye to the deceased. They needed to believe they still had time to say whatever they needed to say.

So, maybe they came up with a number, right? A reasonable number. Oh, how long would it take for me to say all the things I need to say? Let’s try a week.

Maybe a week wasn't enough for them. Maybe they were just a bunch of procrastinators. Maybe they had an issue with the deceased, so after 7 days, they needed to add some more days, maybe 10, and then 20, and then 30 days, which would make a lot of sense, because it would be a month, but again, these people might have an issue right, since ancient parenting might not be as gentle as its counterpart nowadays.

So, they added more days. Somehow, it stopped at the 40^th day. Maybe they just couldn’t get more day-off. They really had to go back to the farm—yeah, I assume this belief started during the agrarian era. After 40 days, maybe they were like, "You know what? Let's just believe that they'll be born again one day."

Whatever that was, we ended up having the 40 days thing.

“There is a belief that the soul continues to wander the Earth for another 40 days after the initial death. While wandering, the soul visits significant places from their life as well as their fresh grave. At the end of the 40 days, the soul finally departs from this world.” - still Google

Let’s say that’s true: Dad continued to wander the Earth for 40 days after his soul left his body, and his soul went to visit significant places from his life. Where would he have wandered? I could only guess.

What would be his significant places? As a conservative guy who always aimed for stability and a comfort zone, he actually had a pretty interesting life.

He was born and raised in Klaten, a small city in Central Java. That's also where we kept his ashes. So, Klaten should be one of the significant places for him. It surely is a significant place for me.

He might wander around his childhood home, my grandparents' house, a very special place for my childhood as well. He told me my grandfather often rode a motorbike with him to a river. That river then became a venue for the execution of the PKI members, and he never went there anymore.

When we were little, Dad took us to a river near where we used to live. It wasn't a fancy place and I don't think other people would take their children there, but Dad took us there, and we just played around the river while eating snacks, mostly peanuts.

Dad might go to Yogyakarta as well. That city seemed special too. In high school, Dad left his parents' house and moved to Yogyakarta. His old friends, mostly from high school, still live in that city. Most of my father's siblings also live in Yogyakarta. Dad used to go there almost every year, sometimes even twice or thrice a year.

My grandpa never told his children to get married, but he told his children to see the world just like other parents told their children to get married. So, Dad needed to explore the world. At the same time, Dad loved stability, security, safety net, and comfort zone. So, he became a pilot in what seemed to be the most stable and secure airline in this country.

So, he got to explore the world. He traveled to many countries and met the love of his life, that luckily, happened to be Mom.

He went to many beautiful cities that he really liked, London, Rome, Paris, Berlin, Seoul, Nagoya, Guang Zou, mostly in East Asia and West Europe. He was into foreign languages. I got it from him. Once, when he landed in Paris, he spoke in French to the ATC, but he didn't really speak French. He just memorized those sentences. When the guy responded in French, he was really confused. It was one of the stories he liked to tell all over again, but I never got tired of it.

He might as well go to Santorini. We went there together in 2015 and he really loved it. We all did. Greece is the best country we've ever been to. We went on Katamaran tour. Dad always loved being on a boat, feeling the waves shaking the boat, the strong wind on his face, and probably also the bright sun to make his pale skin a little darker. He was always self-conscious with his pale skin. He used to have much darker skin when he was young, and I think he always wanted that skin back.

Dad also loved Switzerland. That country is really beautiful, neat, and organized. Dad really admired how on time people there are, how well-mannered and disciplined. Also, one of Dad's siblings, yes, my aunt, lives in Switzerland. Dad was very close to her. Dad never stopped talking about her and her daughter. He was so proud of them.

Dad went to a flying school in the US once, and he really liked the US as well. He loved the lifestyle there. In the last 10 years of his life, he disliked the US and was really leaning to Russia and China, but he used to adore the US a lot, especially California and Hawaii. Did I just make him sound uncultured? Well, he wasn't uncultured.

Anyway, he really liked Hawaii. I think he might spend the whole 40 days in Hawaii. While we were trying to talk to him here, saying goodbye, crying, or trying not to cry because we didn't want him to see us cry, he might not be around us at all. He might be in Hawaii, watching Hula dancers and the fire dance, and watching the sea and the coconut tree. He might be totally unaware of what happened back in Indonesia.

Once when he lived in the US, he drove a car while listening to the radio, and he really enjoyed the music from the american radio. His favorite was the Beach Boys.

Dad loved driving while listening to his music. Who doesn't? It was always our thing until his last days. Dad would drive his car, I would sit next to him, and we would listen to his songs. I knew most of his songs because we liked the same music, but sometimes I heard some songs I never heard before, and then I would ask him, and we would talk about the song, the artist, the story behind the song, and the cover versions.

Dad loved The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Queen, and The Beatles, but he also loved some american artists like Simon and Garfunkel, Chicago, and of course, the Beach Boys. That's why I like those bands.

Dad loved to sing and he had a pretty good voice. We used to go to live music almost regularly. The band already knew Dad and they always let him sing on the stage. Dad also sang at my brother's and my sister's wedding.

At home, I often sang karaoke with Dad. We mostly sang Led Zeppelin and Elton John. Maybe the music/TV room is also one of the significant places he would wander around.

When he wasn't traveling around the world though, Dad was just a simple stay-at-home man. He spent most of his time at home. He was an introvert and a very private person. When he wasn't working, he would rather spend his time alone or with his children, even when we were all grown up.

There was a time when Dad would go for a walk almost every morning with Mom and me. We would then go to Dad's favorite market to eat breakfast and buy some fruit. Maybe he would wander around the market too.

On Sunday he would go to the church. He would wake up very early in the morning and take forever to take a shower. Oh, he really took a very long time to take a shower and get ready. He would then emerge from the bathroom smelling so good. It was his aftershave. Now I keep the aftershave and smell it every time I miss him, which is all the time.

So... 40 days huh?

I never really believe in any version of the afterlife, but I don't have a proof that afterlife doesn't exist either. So, it made me feel better when I let myself believe in some versions, and if this 40-days thing happened to be true, well, I guess it's a real goodbye then. Maybe he's still in Hawaii, enjoying his last day on earth without acknowledging our grief at all, but maybe he's been around.

I just need to tell him how much I love him. He was my whole world. I miss checking on him in the morning, or when I came home at night. I miss talking to him at the dining table. I'm missing the lame jokes he kept telling me. I miss being in the car with him, listening to his songs. I miss him telling me, "Bapak nggak bawa kunci ya," before he left for the church, or "Kamu ada perlu apa?" when he left for the market.

Now that the 40 days had ended, maybe it's time for me to believe in reincarnation.

Jealousy

Jealousy is not cute at all.

Jealousy is really ugly. It’s hideous.

Jealousy has something to do with fairness, doesn’t it?

It’s funny, because jealousy itself isn’t fair.

Mothers… I mean most mothers, or at least some mothers,

love even their least favourite child more than they love themselves.

It’s supposed to be enough, isn’t it?

How big is that? How impossible is that?

How could anyone love anyone else more than they love themselves?

However great it might be, it’s often still not enough for the least favourite child.

All this child could care about was the fact that they’re the least favourite.

Many heartless mothers would just heartlessly abort their children.

Yes, I’m anti-abortion. Fuck you! Whatever.

No uterus, no opinion? I have a uterus, so there! My opinion! Cry about it!

Yes, many heartless mothers out there would just heartlessly abort their children.

This child, who was loved and very well-taken care off, could only care about one thing:

They're the least favourite child.

And that’s why jealousy isn’t fair.

The point is...

Yes, you are so allowed to make anyone a person you love the most without expecting them to make you the person they love the most. Love doesn't have to be fair. Love can never be fair.

.

.

.

On a side note, I don't feel jealous anymore, but I realize I had done some bad things in the past out of jealousy, and every now and then I still have to deal with the consequences.

On another side note, jealousy in a romantic or sexual relationship is even dumber. It's just simply disgusting and doesn't make sense at all. I mean, you can always choose your partners. If you're so jealous, why don't you just leave them and find somebody else? If you really love someone, you should be happy that they're happy, with or without you.

Happy New Year!!

Well, January 2023...

I keep telling myself to stop procrastinating, but... here I am, writing and posting this on the 4th day of 2023!

Anyway, my 2022 has been amazing! When it's already 4th of January, I thought it was too late to talk about 2022, but my 2022 was worth talking (writing) about.

Last year was a very special year for me. I had 3 main goals:

1. do at least 1 thing for the first time every month,

2. do stand-up comedy,

3. move to Bali,

and I did it! I achieved all of my goals! I know, they were simple goals, but it's still so satisfying to achieve them.

So, I've been doing a new thing or two, or three, every month.

In January, for the first time, I made mask lanyards from rubber bands, and I sold some of them. I also made and sold some bracelets.

In February, I got Covid for the first time! Yeay! It was great, because I was isolated in a room and had plenty of me-time. That was when I did stand-up comedy for the first time. I did it on Instagram live.

In March, I made my first digital comic that I posted on my art page on Instagram, @alavishpirate 

In the same month though, Mom got a stroke! She recovered very quickly and very well though.

I was supposed to move to Bali in March. I already booked a Yoga Teacher Training Program in March, but my boss wouldn't let me go until the end of June. Thank God! I can't imagine being in Bali, having my YTT, and Mom got stroke when I was in Bali, and I wouldn't be able to do anything.

In April, I... finally... watched Korean dramas! For the very first time, I watched a Korean drama. It was 'Reply 1988', and it was really good! I fell in love with the series, so when I finished the series, I wanted to watch another Korean drama. So, in May, I watched '2521', and it was also really good! Since the first 2 dramas I watched were really good, I kept trying to watch other Korean dramas, but none of them was good enough.

In May, I did 2 things for the first time. I posted my first stand-up comedy video, and that video was selected, so I also performed on stage for the first time.

In June, I went trekking for the first time. I'm not really sure if it was really the first time though. At the end of the month, I finally moved to Bali!

In July... oh, July was really special. I attended my first Yoga Teacher Training. I met the most amazing, loving, kind human beings there! I had the best experience in my life! I did a headstand for the first time, taught my first yoga class, and did my standup comedy in English for the first time during my practicum. I also went to the Aquatonic Thalasso Spa for the first time with my fellow yogis! It was amazing!

It was a very special experience for me, because I used to hate yoga before. I thought it wasn't fun, it was boring and I never had the patience. My experience in the Yoga Teacher Training at Loka Yoga changed everything. I really enjoyed every moment, I fell in love with yoga, I've been doing yoga regularly ever since, and yoga had helped me going through some really bad days that otherwise would drive me crazy. I'm so grateful for my Yoga Teacher Training experience. I've been writing about it and posted the first part in the previous post. Hopefully I will be able to post the rest of the story very soon.

In August, I went to Bali Comedy Club, another beautiful, positive community where people support and learn from each other. I performed on Bali stage for the first time. Also in August, my family came to visit me in Bali! What an amazing month!

In September, I reconnected with a very important person in my life, and I'm glad I did, for so many reasons.

In October, I went to a Halloween party at a night club... believe it or not, for the first time! I never liked parties and night clubs. They're boring. But the Halloween party I had was pretty enjoyable.

In November, for the first time I went canoeing, performed stand-up comedy for 30 minutes, got paid for doing stand-up, and took a sign language class! Four things happened for the first time! What an amazing month!

In December, I taught my first yoga class in Italian! I didn't know I could do that! I thought my Italian wouldn't be good enough, but it was enough for teaching yoga!

And for the first time, I got to watch Brazil play in the World Cup with some Brazilians! It was one of my dreams!

And... Argentina won the World Cup! It has nothing to do with me, but after 2 decades, finally, another South American country won the World Cup!

I've been having a wonderful year, but there are some other things too happening in Indonesia and all around the world.

From January to March, we had earthquakes every single month, mostly in Banten. We had many earthquakes. I also felt one in Bali in August, when my family was visiting. The worst was the one in Cianjur on the day the World Cup started.

Russia started a war against Ukraine at the end of February. Mahsa Amini, a girl in Iran got killed by the police for not wearing hijab properly. It started a huge, long-lasting riot and protest in Iran and some other parts of the world.

October was horrible! It was such a tragic month. It started with the Kanjuruhan tragedy in Malang on the very first day, and it ended with the Halloween tragedy in South Korea on the last day. Both tragedies killed about 125 people each. What a creepy month!

Then, there was the World Cup. It was the first World Cup that was played at the end of the year instead of the middle. Usually, World Cup started around my birthday, but this year, it started on November 21 (or 20 in Qatar). It was also the very first time a middle eastern country became a host, and it brought so many stories and controversies.

The day the World Cup started though, a lot of tragic things happened. Jason David Frank comitted suicide, there was a mass shooting in a gay bar in the US, and the Cianjur earthquake happened, as I mentioned earlier. And when the World Cup was about to end, Sinisa Mihajlovic died of Leukimia. He was one of the greatest players.

On the 29th of December, the most famous football legends, the only player who won 3 World Cups, Pele, passed away.

Public figures died in 2022:

Jason David Frank aka Tommy from Power Rangers

(September 4, 1974 - November 19, 2022)

Pele

(October 23, 1940 - December 29, 2022)

Queen Elizabeth

(April 21, 1926 - September 8, 2022)

Sinisa Mihajlovic

(February 20, 1969 - December 16, 2022)

May they rest in peace.

Yoga Teacher Training at Loka Yoga: Best Experience of My Life So Far (part 1)

The Background Story:

It’s been more than two weeks since I graduated from the yoga school, and to be honest, I still have a hard time moving on. I met my cousin and her family the day after, I got busy visiting beautiful places, I joined a comedy club and did my first stand-up comedy performance, I met some new friends and they were amazing…, and I still think of my yoga teacher training days all the time.

I went to this yoga school in Canggu, Bali, Loka Yoga School from July 4 to 30, and it was the best 4 weeks of my life! It was such an amazing experience! I’ve never been so happy, I’ve never had so much joy. Oh…, I have so much to tell! Let me try to break it down one by one and hopefully give a systematic story of my beautiful experience.

First of all, let’s talk about the background. I hate yoga. I mean, I used to hate it. I tried doing yoga in the past. I watched some videos, followed some yoga classes, read yoga books, and damn they were so boring. However, I was always amazed by the yogis because they’re so healthy, peaceful, and have amazing bodies.

Seriously, their bodies are amazing: fit, slim, toned, powerful, and super elastic. They can do super cool and difficult poses gracefully and effortlessly. That was why I kept trying to do and learn yoga. I wanted to be healthy and have an amazing body. I wanted to look like that and be able to do those super cool poses!

However, since I hated to do the yoga practice itself (and any non-sports-game physical activities in general), I never really did it seriously. I went on and off with yoga. Earlier this year, in January, a yoga school advertisement popped up on my social media. I was interested, because it wasn’t just a yoga school to be a yogi or yoga practitioner, but to be a certified yoga teacher!

Hey! I could get a yoga teacher certificate? I would be able to teach! I would make money from doing yoga! And the school is in Bali! Now…, I’ve been wanting to move to Bali and live here since forever. Last year, I decided to finally do it. I still didn’t know what to do, but I decided to move. My New Year's resolution was to move to Bali, and suddenly I had the idea of what I could do!

I saw some advertisements of these yoga schools, but I didn’t sign up for any of them. I wanted to get to the cheapest one, so I started searching for a list of yoga schools in Bali. I found this site with a complete list of yoga schools in Bali, and I found Loka Yoga and other schools. Loka Yoga was the cheapest one, located near the beach, and in Canggu, where the comedy club is. It was perfect!

I was so excited that I signed up right away. I signed up for the first batch of the year, which was in March, because I just couldn’t wait to leave Jakarta…, or Tangerang, it depends. I contacted the school, registered, and paid right away. I remember the joy and excitement I felt after transferring the money. I started planning my Bali life. I will be living in Bali by March! Oh! So excited!

The next day, I finally remembered that I have a job, and I would need to tell my office and ask for a leave. In my defense, I didn’t work much back then, business was slow, and my office didn’t have enough work for me to do. So, yeah, I forgot I had a job. In fact, when I called my boss, I wasn’t about to ask for permission to leave, I just meant to inform him that I would leave.

He freaked out. He told me I couldn’t do that. He told me I should’ve asked him for permission to leave, I had to write the e-mail, and it would take time. For a start, he had a lot of projects for me. He told me I would be super busy until the end of June. I had to postpone my Bali plan. Thing is, I wasn’t sure I could cancel my yoga school. Would I be able to reschedule to July?

I contacted the yoga school. By then I already knew who I was talking to. It was Taryn Weggelaar, the founder and the main teacher. She was very nice and responsive to my messages. Before I texted her, I was worried that I couldn’t reschedule, and I might lose that amount of money I’ve paid for the school. However, she told me I could reschedule to July, and I was so relieved.

Yes, I was relieved that I could reschedule, and I didn’t have to lose my money for nothing. However, I was still upset because I couldn’t move to Bali as early as I planned. I had to stay in Tangerang for a longer time and it sucked. I didn’t live in the present. I lived in the future. My mind was already in Bali. Every day I could only think about living in Bali.

The closer I got to July, the more I got anxious about the school. I started doubting my destiny. Attending a yoga school in Bali seemed too good to be true. I was so sure something bad would happen, just like every single time I was ready for something good in my life. There have been so many disappointments in my life that I couldn’t believe that a real good thing would happen to me.

I started having these negative thoughts. What if this yoga school was a scam? I kept checking on their social media pages. I even started stalking Taryn Weggelaar on Google and social media. Okay, she is real, they are real, the school is real, but then I started to worry about other things. What if I didn’t get a plane ticket? What if the plane crashed? What if something else happened and I couldn’t go? What if it didn’t happen?

But it happened! On June 30, I finally left Jakarta, I finally arrived in Bali, and on the 4^th of July, school finally started! It really happened, and it was really the best experience I’ve ever had in my life!

 

(to be continued…)

Nyokap Gue Kena Stroke, Part 2: Anak Brengsek

Oke, jadi, akhirnya perkara swab udah beres.

Buat jaga-jaga jikalau di antara kalian ada yang kelewat polos dan lugu, iya, di tulisan (entry) sebelumnya, gue bercanda, gue beneran diswab, bukan dirukiyah. Sampai sini paham?

Yah, jadi, sedikit review, beberapa minggu lalu, nyokap gue terkena serangan stroke ringan dan harus dirawat di rumah sakit selama 11 hari. Kalau di tulisan sebelumnya, gue udah cerita soal drama swab, kali ini gue mau cerita lebih lanjut seputar hal-hal lain yang gue hadapi ketika nyokap kena stroke.

Lo tau, kalo ada anggota keluarga kena musibah, apalagi sakit kritis kaya stroke gitu, yang paling capek apa? Bales-balesin WA dari temen-temennya!

Gejalanya gimana? Kejadiannya gimana? Kenapa bisa kena? Jatuh nggak? Bibirnya miring nggak? Pingsan atau sadar?

Capek gue banyak banget yang nanya-nanya doang ngga beli.

Apalagi yang sampe nanya berkali-kali, minta update mulu, sampe telepon-telepon. Beneran, bukan cuma 1 loh yang kaya gini. Banyak! Nyokap gue banyak banget temennya, nggak kaya gue!

“Tante minta update-nya dong, soalnya Tante khawatir kalo nggak ada update.”

Hey! Don’t make this about you! This is not about you!

Iya, gue tau, gue paham, mereka tuh bener-bener peduli sama nyokap gue. Mereka sayang banget sama nyokap gue dan mereka sangat khawatir. Gue pun sangat terharu dan berterimakasih atas kasih sayang dan perhatian mereka. Tapi kan tugas kami anak-anaknya adalah merawat nyokap, mengurus administrasi rumah sakit, dan mengurus klaim asuransi, bukan menjawab pertanyaan para sahabat. Emangnya kami admin fanpage nyokap?

Duh, yawlaah… temen nyokap bakal pada benci deh nih sama gue. Asli! Sampe ada yang udah nanya-nanya panjang lebar, cuma gue jawab, “Iya, Tante, terimakasih ya.” Sumpah! Bukan ada lagi. Gue copas jawaban itu ke semua orang yang nanya.

Ya, sebenernya sih gue pingin bikin klarifikasi soal kondisi nyokap secara detail di Pod Cast Oom Deddy, biar semua orang nggak nanya-nanya lagi soal kondisi nyokap gue. Namun apa daya, gue bukan siapa-siapa. Dalam rangka apa Oom Deddy ngundang gue?

Gue tuh bukannya repot banget ngurusin nyokap, nggak! Aduh, gue jadi ngerasa nggak enak, karena nyokap mikirnya gue nggak sempet bales-balesin WA itu karena gue repot ngurusin dia. Padahal nggak sama sekali! Gue aja yang emang pada dasarnya males bales chat orang. Kalo gue cepet banget bales chat dari lo, lo boleh ngerasa spesial.

Kenapa sih orang nanyanya pada detail-detail amat? Biar apa gitu?

Apalagi yang udah nanya detail banget, terus buntutnya bilang, “Tante bantu doa ya.”

Bukannya doa nggak membantu ya. Gue berterimakasih sekali kepada orang-orang yang membantu, termasuk membantu mendoakan. Bener, terimakasih loh. Itu berarti sekali, dan kami sekeluarga sangat percaya akan kekuatan doa.

Tapi kalau memang mau bantu mendoakan, ya nggak perlu kan tanya sedetail itu? Lo mau laporan ke Tuhan? Ya kan Tuhan juga tau keadaan nyokap gue kaya apa.

“Gejalanya gimana? Tekanan darahnya berapa? Dikasi obat apa sama dokter?”

Kalau Anda dokter dan bisa memberi second opinion terhadap perawatan ibu saya, silakan. Tapi kalau mau berdoa untuk ibu saya, yang saya khawatirkan, Anda nanti berdoa bukan baca buku doa, Al-Quran, yasin, tapi baca catatan medis ibu saya sama resep dokter!

“Ya Allah, turunkan lah tekanan darah teman saya dari 170/95 menjadi… sebentar ya Allah, saya lupa berapa tekanan darah yang normal. Saya mau lihat broadcast WA grup dulu ya Allah…” (ya ibu-ibu kan cari info bukan dari gugel, tapi dari broadcast WA)

“Ya Allah, berikan lah teman saya Brainact tablet 500 miligram dan Kalnex tablet 500 miligram 3 kali sehari, diminum setelah makan. Bila sakit berlanjut, hubungi dokter, ya Allah!”

Masa doa kaya gitu? Nggak mungkin kan?

Masalahnya tulisan dokter kan Tuhan lebih paham cara bacanya. Saya takutnya, Anda salah baca.

Ibaratnya gini, misalnya nih temen nyokap WA ke nyokap. “Kasian, anak lo belom dapet jodoh ya. Gue bantu doain deh. Emang lo pinginnya anak lo dapet jodoh yang gimana?”

Terus nyokap bales, WA juga kan, “Gue sih pinginnya anak gue dapet jodoh yang tinggi, cakep, buat memperbaiki keturunan, seiman, sesuku, tapi kalo bisa sih jangan yang sejenis.”

Dalam bahasa/tulisan WA menjadi “Gw sih pgnnya anak gw dpt jodoh yg tinggi, cakep, buat memperbaiki keturunan, seiman, sesuku, tp kalo bisa sih jg yg sejenis.”

Temen nyokap pun membalas, "Siap!" dan dia pun segera berdoa sama Tuhan, sambil baca WA nyokap. "Ya Tuhan, berilah anak teman saya jodoh yang tinggi, cakep, buat memperbaiki keturunan, seiman, sesuku, tapi kalo bisa sih...”, lalu dia bingung, “Jg? apaan nih jg? Juga kali ya..."

"Ya Tuhan, berilah anak teman saya jodoh yang tinggi, cakep, seiman, sesuku, juga sejenis."

Ya bahaya kan kalo gue dapet jodoh sejenis, sama-sama guru les, sama-sama miskin, sama-sama nggak bisa berkontribusi untuk pengobatan nyokap gue.

Ya iya sih, nyokap gue kan juga berdoa. Tapi kalo keimanan temen nyokap lebih tebel, nanti doa dia yang dijabah.

Gue rasa, kalo temen nyokap baca tulisan gue ini, doa mereka bakal berubah: “Ya Allah, semoga kalau saya sakit nanti, anak saya tidak seperti anak teman saya ini, ya Allah! Judes banget! Orang kan niatnya mau bantu!”

Btw, temen-temen nyokap nggak cuma bantu doa loh ya. Mereka juga nyumbang uang banyak banget dan tiap hari ada aja yang ngirimin makanan. Temen-temen gue pun pada ngirimin makanan setelah akhirnya gue terpaksa ngasi tau mereka soal nyokap. Yang pasti, dari pihak keluarga, saudara-saudara nyokap dan sepupu-sepupu gue sangat banyak membantu dari segi moril dan materil. Terikamasih banyak ya untuk kalian semua yang saya sebutkan di paragraf ini. Maafkan kalau saya judes tiap ditanya update ibu saya. Emang dasarnya judes aja.

 

(to be continued! Percaya lah! Masih banyak drama seputar nyokap gue kena stroke)

Nyokap Gue Kena Stroke, Part 1: Swag test!

Nyokap gue baru aja kena stroke, sekitar akhir Maret. Pas nyokap kena stroke, gue shock dan sedih banget. Gue sangat terpukul, teriak-teriak, meratapi nasib, dan menangis histeris. Semua itu karena satu hal: swab test bajingan!

Sebagai satu-satunya di keluarga yang nggak punya bayi, udah pasti gue yang harus nungguin nyokap di rumah sakit. Sebenernya, gue nggak ada masalah nungguin orang di rumah sakit. Namun, seperti yang kita semua ketahui, di masa pandemi yang nggak kelar-kelar ini, semua pasien dan penunggu wajib PCR sebelum menjalani rawat inap! Khusus bagi penunggu (hanya yang kasat mata), wajib PCR sekali seminggu, atau antigen 3 hari sekali, walaupun mereka di rumah sakit terus, di kamar pasien terus, nggak ke mana-mana.

Kan bangkek ya!

Pertama, biaya rawat inap makin mahal! PCR dan antigen pastinya tidak ditanggung asuransi. Kedua… faaakkk! Ngeri banget idung gue dicolok-colok benda asing nggak jelas! Ugh! I hate swab test! Bisa nggak sih diganti aja jadi swag test?

Asli! Beneran, gue kalo diswab selalu drama banget! Nggak pernah nggak!

Jangan bayangin gue diswab layaknya orang normal yang tinggal duduk diem, dicolok, paling matanya kedip-kedip doang atau berair dikit, atau paling parah udahannya bersin-bersin. Gue kalo lagi diswab lebih mirip orang lagi dirukiyah!

Eh bener nggak sih namanya rukiyah? Tau kan, exorcism, kalo orang kerasukan setan, terus setannya diusir pake doa-doa dan air suci gitu. Biasanya dilakukan oleh seorang pemuka agama atau lebih.

Gue tiap diswab minimal harus dipegangin tiga orang. Satu megangin kaki, satu megangin tangan, satu megangin kepala… lah yang nge-swab siapa dong? Oke, minimal 4 berarti.

Oke, balik lagi ke kejadian nyokap gue dirawat inap karena stroke, sebagai penunggu, pilihan gue antara:

1. hidung gue dicolok seminggu sekali, tapi lebih mahal, atau

2. lebih murah, tapi setelah 3 hari idung gue mesti dicolok lagi.

Setakut-takutnya gue sama PCR, gue tetep lebih pilih yang murah. Jadi antigen lah gue.

Pas gue dateng nih ke tempat swab, gue udah wanti-wanti nih nakes-nakesnya. “Sus, ini saya takuuut banget loh sebenernya diswab. Tapi karena harus jagain ibu saya, saya terpaksa banget ini diswab.”

Dengan wajah penuh kesabaran dan suara penuh kehangatan, susternya berkata, “Oh, nggak papa kok, Bu. Kami sudah biasa.”

He?? Udah biasa?? Wahh… Gue yakin dia nggak tau apa yang akan dihadapinya.

Kalo bener dia biasa nge-swab orang macem gue, gue yakin, pandemi baru 3 bulan juga dia udah resign! Dia pasti udah cari kerjaan lain! Yakin gue! 100%! “Yawlaah… bayaran gue nggak seberapa, ngeswab orang gini amat!” terus pindah cari kerjaan lain tuh orang!

Tapi ya udah lah, yang penting gue udah wanti-wanti. Gue duduk, siap-siap diswab, tegang banget, ya kan. Nah… mulai deh tuh rukiyah! Ada yang megangin kaki, megangin tangan, megangin kepala, megangin dada…

Dadanya sendiri loh ya. Siyok dia tuh ngeliat kelakuan gue!

Heboh lah itu. Gue dipegangin sambil teriak-teriak gitu. Ada yang sambil nyipratin air suci, ada yang sambil komat-kamit. Mana swab kalo di rumah sakit dalem banget kan. Pernah nggak lo swab di rumah sakit? Beda loh kedalamannya. Asli, dalem banget! Sampe nembus ke belakang kepala tuh gue rasa!

Gue juga kasian sama yang ngeswabin gue. Asli! Kasian loh mereka. Sampe akhirnya, pada satu titik, salah satu nakes itu pun menghembuskan nafas lelah tak berdaya sambil bertanya, “Bu, ini bener-bener udah nggak ada lagi nih yang bisa jagain pasien selain ibu?”

Yee… kan tadi gue udah bilang…

Yawlah…, kasian banget dia. Gue yakin tiap gue swab, bukan cuma gue yang trauma. Nakesnya juga ikutan trauma!

Tapi akhirnya, setelah segala drama dan pergumulan lahir batin, berhasil juga loh gue diswab! Gue lega banget, tapi yang lebih lega lagi adalah para nakes yang nge-swab gue tentunya. Wajah-wajah mereka yang penuh kesabaran dan kehangatan telah berubah menjadi wajah-wajah sepet siap resign.

Abis diswab gue minta maaf dan berterimakasih ke nakes-nakes itu, gue keluar dari ruang swab, dan nunggu sekitar 10 menitan sampai hasilnya keluar.

Gue dipanggil sama salah satu nakes untuk ngeliat hasilnya.

“Bu…, maaf…, hasilnya positif,” ujarnya.

“Po…, positif…?”

“Iya, Bu, positif kerasukan setan.”

 Ternyata gue emang dirukiyah!

Pantesan aja tadi nusuknya dalem banget! Ternyata gue bukan diswab, tapi dipasangin paku lewat idung!

 

(to be continued! Percaya lah! Masih banyak drama seputar nyokap gue kena stroke)

Leave Me Alone

 Tuesday, March 29, 2022:

All that was left in a hurry

The bed that wasn't made

The mugs that weren't washed

Things that weren't done properly

The words that were left unsaid

and the ones that were said but shouldn't be

:

This is probably one of the hardest times in my life, and I just want to be left alone.

Like, yes please, help me, help us financially and physically by all means. But I'm emotionally exhausted to see someone I love in a bad condition. I'm emotionally exhausted to be so close to losing someone I love. And I just need people to stop asking questions.

Why TF would people want to know what happened? Why TF do I have to explain everything to everyone?

If I hardly ever say anything to the ones in their hardest time, it's because I want to be left alone in my own hardest time.

I know people mean well, and it's really not their faults. They're just being very kind and I'm grateful for all the material and physical helps. I don't hate them at all. I know they care about me, about us. I just hate the fact that in my hardest time, being left alone is the only thing I need.

I won't refuse the money, but I really don't fucking need to talk. I fucking hate talking about my problem, especially when I fucking know that the talk won't solve any fucking thing. It's fucking annoying.

The only moral support I need in my hardest time is silence. And some cash.