A Typical Day with Dad

Sunday, November 10, 2024:

Today we finally got rid of Dad’s clothes. Before Dad died, I knew how painful it would be when we had to get rid of his stuff after he died.

I don’t want anything to change. I don’t want to feel like Dad isn’t here anymore even though he isn’t here anymore. I still want to see his stuff everywhere. I still want to see his soap, shampoo, and hairbrush in the bathroom. I still want to see his phones, medicines, and medical kits on his side of the table. I want to see the cross and the bible on his desk, and not a fucking Sajadah on his chair!

I used to feel fine whenever anyone died. When Dad was still alive, I didn’t care about whoever died, whoever left me, I would still be fine as long as Dad was still with me. I only needed him in my life, but he’s gone now, and my whole world collapsed.

I would do anything and give anything to have just one more day with Dad, just to kiss his head again, smell his hair and his aftershave, say hello in the morning and goodnight before bed. I really want to see him again, hear him again, smell him again, even though it’s just my imagination, hallucination, dreams, anything that isn’t real, I don’t care. It would make me happy.

I just want one more day with Dad. I want to spend the whole day with Dad, just like when it’s my birthday, or his birthday.

In his last 3 birthdays, we didn’t spend the day like I wish we would. On his 70^th birthday, I was in Bali. I didn’t come home for his birthday because I just moved to Bali and he was about to visit me very soon after his birthday. On his 71^st birthday, he went to the ICU and for the first time, I really felt like I would lose him anytime soon. It was the second scariest and worst moment in my life, but he survived. On his 72^nd birthday, I spent the whole day with him, he was healthy, but I didn’t have enough money and he had to pay for his own birthday dinner. He didn't seem to mind at all. He was having a great time, but I was really sad. I thought I would redeem myself on his next birthday. I thought, on his next birthday, he wouldn’t have to spend his money at all, and I would give him the best birthday, but there will never be another birthday. It was his last birthday.

On my birthday, when I still lived with him, we always spent the whole day together. He would take me to Gramedia or the cinema. We saw ‘Jurassic World’ on my 32^nd birthday. I didn’t write my diary between my 25^th to my 31^st birthday, but on one of my birthdays, I went to the cinema with Dad to watch something, just the 2 of us. What was that? When was that? Was it in 2017? What did we watch?

Imagine a whole day with Dad. When I woke up, I would go to his room and check on him. He used to sleep in Adrian’s room. He usually woke up around 6 to pray then went back to bed and would wake up again around 9. Sometimes he didn’t go back to bed.

I usually went checking on him after my exercise, which would be around 9. If I didn’t do exercise, I would wake up closer to 9 as well. Sometimes I went checking on him around 8. I would open the door slowly, just in case he was still asleep. Sometimes he was. I would watch him sleep peacefully, sometimes with his hands in between his knees. He was cold but he didn’t want to put on a blanket.

Sometimes he was already awake, sitting on his chair, busy with his phone. He would ask me, “Kamu udah yoga?”

I would lie down on his bed and start talking to him. We would talk about football games, recent updates, our favourite music and artists, or anything light. If he saw me staying up really late the other night, he would start the conversation with, “Kamu tidur jam berapa?” and I would ask him the same thing, since he saw me staying up late. Sometimes he wasn’t staying up late, but just awakened in the middle of the night because he needed to go to the bathroom.

Sometimes he would just talk about what time he woke up and what he did after that. “Bapak tadi kebangun jam setengah enam, terus mau tidur lagi tanggung kan, sebentar lagi jam 6, waktunya sembahyang, jadi Bapak ke bawah, ngambil minum, buang sampah, sikatan…. Pas udah jam 6, Bapak sembahyang, terus udah, nggak tidur lagi.”

Something like that. I tried to imagine his voice and his Javanese accent. No one talks like him. He was very articulate and elegant, anything that Mom isn’t and will never be. Dad always spoke very slowly. Sometimes I just didn’t have the patience to wait until he finished his sentence.

I would spend some time in Dad’s room, then I'd say, “Makan buah yuk, Yah!” or “Sarapan yuk, Yah!” and he would ask me, “Ada sarapan/buah apa?” and we would come downstairs about 15 minutes after that.

We would sit at the dining table. Most of the time Mom would’ve been there. Dad would always sit on his chair, the one near the fan. Mom’s seat was next to him. I would prepare the fruit for him. I would serve the fruit on a plate and with a knife. He would say, “Ya, terima kasih,” but he was just so used to being served and spoiled by everyone in his life. He seemed to feel entitled to being served. He would ask me to grab him some water or to fill his water bottle. “Tolong diisi,” he would say while giving me his water bottle.

Sometimes Dad would cut the fruit for me. I would feel very special. He rarely did that to anyone else, since he was usually the one being served.

I would then make him his favourite breakfast food, the fried cheese sandwich. It would be so much better to eat it right away before the toast lost its crunchiness, but Dad always waited at least 30 minutes in between the fruit and the other meal. Most of the time, he waited more than 30 minutes. He would go back upstairs and start cleaning the balcony. He took a very long time cleaning the balcony, and then he would water the plants.

He was very peculiar when it came to taking care of his plants. When he came back downstairs, I would’ve finished my sandwich. As he started eating his, he would tell me the condition of the plants and what he did with the plants. We often discussed the plants. Once, the plants grew so well and beautiful and we were both so proud of it.

If Ketoprak showed up before I made the sandwich, we would probably order Ketoprak. His was always with no rice noodles, no bean sprout, lots of garlic, and one chili. If we heard Ketoprak as we ate our sandwiches, one of us would say, “Yah, Ketopraknya baru lewat sekarang.” Sometimes we would still order it anyway. Sometimes we would share a portion of Ketoprak, but I mostly ordered one portion for myself. We always talked about how the Ketoprak guy always calls female customers ‘Cantik’ and male customers ‘Ganteng’.

We usually spent a long time at the dining table. We could sit there long after we finished our meal. We would start talking about recent political issues, football games, or music. When we talked about politics, sometimes we would have a heated argument. Sometimes he just bored me with the same opinions all over again. I was also bored of him talking so highly about Jokowi. Now I would do anything to be able to listen to him talking about Jokowi again, to make the same complaints he always made about this country. Even though, in his last days, he was really disappointed in Jokowi.

Sometimes we would just share the new knowledge that we just learned from books, Podcasts, YouTube, or our conversations with other people. We could talk about anything from ancient aliens, spiritualism, astronomy, geology, geopolitics, history, mathematics, and conspiracy theories, simply anything! He had a lot of interests and knowledge. He knew the Javanese history and culture very well.

We could talk about music for hours. We would show each other great covers of our favourite songs. He knew a lot about music too. I could always ask him about a song that I like and he would tell me the original artist, the writer, the history of the song, and also sentimental things about that song, like why he liked it or why that song was special to him.

Our conversation is not always that sophisticated. Sometimes we would talk about people too. We would talk about Deany, Adrian, Sora, and Kapya, Tante Didi and Livia, other family members, mostly with pride, but when we talked about Mom, we were mostly complaining. I miss complaining about Mom to him.

Usually around 10 or 11, he would start checking on his phone, making a plan of what he should do that day. He would say, “Bapak mau ke pasar. Kamu ada perlu apa?” or “Nanti kamu ikut ke pasar ya.”

If I didn’t come with him, before he left, he would tell me, “Kamu di bawah terus? Bapak nggak bawa kunci ya.”

Sometimes he would remind me too, “Kamu belum latihan piano hari ini?”

Before he died, I never knew how proud he was of me and my piano skill. I’m not even that good.

He really liked it when I played ‘Nuvole Bianche’. I told him I heard that song during my Yoga Teacher Training, so he always called it ‘Lagu Yoga’. He would ask me to play piano for him. He often asked me to play ‘Nuvole Bianche’. Sometimes he would send me a song and ask me to play the piano. The last song he sent to me was ‘She’s Always a Woman’ by Billy Joel.

When I lived in Bali, I always wanted to come with him anywhere he went when I was in Jakarta. He would drive and I would sit next to him and we would listen to our songs. It was like Drew Barrymore and her dad in ‘Riding in Cars with Boys’. Dad really loved that movie. Drew Barrymore was one of his favourite actresses.

Sometimes we would just be quiet and enjoy the songs. Sometimes we would sing along. Sometimes we would talk about the songs, especially if I had never heard the song before. He would tell me anything about the song. We always loved it when we arrived at our destination and finished parking the car when a song was ending. Sometimes, when the song hadn’t ended, we would wait for it to end before we left the car.

We would go to Pasmod or Fresh Market for grocery shopping. We would buy fruit. Dad was so good at picking the best fruit. He could tell which papayas were fresh and ready to be eaten, or which mangoes were sweet. He would buy a lot of snacks too, especially if we would have football games in the evening. Many sellers in the market were already familiar with his face because he was a loyal customer.

I was always so protective of him in the market. I would hold his arm or put my arm on his back. I was clingy too. I often put my head on his shoulder. Sometimes, many times, I took him for granted, but most of the time, I was fully aware that I wouldn’t have him forever.

Sometimes we would go to Sari Salon and he would get a massage. Sometimes I went with him to his barber for 30 years, Houdini. He always went to the same barbershop and only wanted the same barber, Pak Maman.

Sometimes we would go to the banks. Banks are boring, but I enjoyed going to the bank with Dad. I would lean to him and put my head on his shoulder. Sometimes he would go from one ATM to another, paying bills or taking some cash.

Sometimes we would go to the mall, usually when he needed something for his gadget. We often went to ITC BSD, a place that I would never visit if I wasn’t with him. I hate that place. He would look for a new phone, or new phone accessories, or fix his phone. Sometimes he looked for new t-shirts too. Before Netflix, we also used to spend a lot of time looking for DVD’s.

Sometimes we would go to Gramedia and spend hours there, looking for books or just window shopping. Books about Java and its history always attracted him. He loved buying me books too.

When he was done with all the tasks he needed to get done with, he would ask me, “Kamu perlu ke mana lagi?” and I usually didn’t need to go anywhere else, so we would just go home. Sometimes we stopped at Total Buah on the way home. We would drink some juice or eat Tahu Gejrot, or again, buy some snacks for the football game.

When we got home, if we hadn’t had lunch yet, we would have lunch. If we had had lunch outside, we would just take a shower. He would sit at the dining table for a long time. He would check on his plans, check the ones he had done, and then he would spend more time on his phone. He usually watched a video and it usually annoyed me. I would just leave him and go upstairs.

Dad would spend hours at the dining table, looking at his phone. He would fall asleep and wake up when the phone fell off his hand, then he would look at his phone again and fall asleep again. After hours, he would finally go to the bathroom and take a shower. It would take him at least one and a half hours to shower. He would make such a loud noise, gagging, coughing, and clearing his throat.

When he emerged from the bathroom, he would smell so good. We would be able to smell his aftershave from afar.

We would have dinner together. Sometimes he took a shower after dinner, sometimes he didn’t eat dinner because he was still full from lunch. When we had dinner together, we would have more conversations, just like breakfast and lunch. If we were about to watch a football game, we would talk about the game. We would talk about the position of each team and how many points they needed to make in this game. We would analyse the probability of both teams to get to the next stage. He would ask me, “Mas Andre apa komentarnya?” or he would just tell me what Mas Andre told him.

Sometimes, when we weren’t watching football games, we would watch a movie. We mostly watched horror movies. We loved horror movies, but most horror movies were lame and not scary at all. We mostly ended up with a huge disappointment. We liked dramas too, but only the good ones.

Sometimes we would just talk the whole night. I would come to his room and we would just talk. Sometimes I asked him about his childhood. He had a lot of very interesting stories from his childhood. Sometimes we could talk until it was very late. Sometimes we talked until 2 or 3 in the morning!

When I got up, he would ask, “Udah mau tidur?” and then he said, “Ya, selamat tidur.”

I would kiss his head and say good night too. “Selamat tidur, Ayah.”

40 Days

“Some pagan traditions believe that the soul of a recently deceased person continues to wander the earth for forty days.” - some link on Google

“From the Catholic and Orthodox Christian memorial services and 40 days of prayer for the dead to the death rites of Hinduism, Buddhism, and Islam, the 40th day stands for universal respect for the change of the soul.” - also Google

How did people come with these 40 days though? Whoever started this might be really shocked when their loved one died. They weren’t ready because, who are ever ready for such a painful experience?

So, they started to create this belief, right? They needed to believe that they still had the last chance to say goodbye to the deceased. They needed to believe they still had time to say whatever they needed to say.

So, maybe they came up with a number, right? A reasonable number. Oh, how long would it take for me to say all the things I need to say? Let’s try a week.

Maybe a week wasn't enough for them. Maybe they were just a bunch of procrastinators. Maybe they had an issue with the deceased, so after 7 days, they needed to add some more days, maybe 10, and then 20, and then 30 days, which would make a lot of sense, because it would be a month, but again, these people might have an issue right, since ancient parenting might not be as gentle as its counterpart nowadays.

So, they added more days. Somehow, it stopped at the 40^th day. Maybe they just couldn’t get more day-off. They really had to go back to the farm—yeah, I assume this belief started during the agrarian era. After 40 days, maybe they were like, "You know what? Let's just believe that they'll be born again one day."

Whatever that was, we ended up having the 40 days thing.

“There is a belief that the soul continues to wander the Earth for another 40 days after the initial death. While wandering, the soul visits significant places from their life as well as their fresh grave. At the end of the 40 days, the soul finally departs from this world.” - still Google

Let’s say that’s true: Dad continued to wander the Earth for 40 days after his soul left his body, and his soul went to visit significant places from his life. Where would he have wandered? I could only guess.

What would be his significant places? As a conservative guy who always aimed for stability and a comfort zone, he actually had a pretty interesting life.

He was born and raised in Klaten, a small city in Central Java. That's also where we kept his ashes. So, Klaten should be one of the significant places for him. It surely is a significant place for me.

He might wander around his childhood home, my grandparents' house, a very special place for my childhood as well. He told me my grandfather often rode a motorbike with him to a river. That river then became a venue for the execution of the PKI members, and he never went there anymore.

When we were little, Dad took us to a river near where we used to live. It wasn't a fancy place and I don't think other people would take their children there, but Dad took us there, and we just played around the river while eating snacks, mostly peanuts.

Dad might go to Yogyakarta as well. That city seemed special too. In high school, Dad left his parents' house and moved to Yogyakarta. His old friends, mostly from high school, still live in that city. Most of my father's siblings also live in Yogyakarta. Dad used to go there almost every year, sometimes even twice or thrice a year.

My grandpa never told his children to get married, but he told his children to see the world just like other parents told their children to get married. So, Dad needed to explore the world. At the same time, Dad loved stability, security, safety net, and comfort zone. So, he became a pilot in what seemed to be the most stable and secure airline in this country.

So, he got to explore the world. He traveled to many countries and met the love of his life, that luckily, happened to be Mom.

He went to many beautiful cities that he really liked, London, Rome, Paris, Berlin, Seoul, Nagoya, Guang Zou, mostly in East Asia and West Europe. He was into foreign languages. I got it from him. Once, when he landed in Paris, he spoke in French to the ATC, but he didn't really speak French. He just memorized those sentences. When the guy responded in French, he was really confused. It was one of the stories he liked to tell all over again, but I never got tired of it.

He might as well go to Santorini. We went there together in 2015 and he really loved it. We all did. Greece is the best country we've ever been to. We went on Katamaran tour. Dad always loved being on a boat, feeling the waves shaking the boat, the strong wind on his face, and probably also the bright sun to make his pale skin a little darker. He was always self-conscious with his pale skin. He used to have much darker skin when he was young, and I think he always wanted that skin back.

Dad also loved Switzerland. That country is really beautiful, neat, and organized. Dad really admired how on time people there are, how well-mannered and disciplined. Also, one of Dad's siblings, yes, my aunt, lives in Switzerland. Dad was very close to her. Dad never stopped talking about her and her daughter. He was so proud of them.

Dad went to a flying school in the US once, and he really liked the US as well. He loved the lifestyle there. In the last 10 years of his life, he disliked the US and was really leaning to Russia and China, but he used to adore the US a lot, especially California and Hawaii. Did I just make him sound uncultured? Well, he wasn't uncultured.

Anyway, he really liked Hawaii. I think he might spend the whole 40 days in Hawaii. While we were trying to talk to him here, saying goodbye, crying, or trying not to cry because we didn't want him to see us cry, he might not be around us at all. He might be in Hawaii, watching Hula dancers and the fire dance, and watching the sea and the coconut tree. He might be totally unaware of what happened back in Indonesia.

Once when he lived in the US, he drove a car while listening to the radio, and he really enjoyed the music from the american radio. His favorite was the Beach Boys.

Dad loved driving while listening to his music. Who doesn't? It was always our thing until his last days. Dad would drive his car, I would sit next to him, and we would listen to his songs. I knew most of his songs because we liked the same music, but sometimes I heard some songs I never heard before, and then I would ask him, and we would talk about the song, the artist, the story behind the song, and the cover versions.

Dad loved The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Queen, and The Beatles, but he also loved some american artists like Simon and Garfunkel, Chicago, and of course, the Beach Boys. That's why I like those bands.

Dad loved to sing and he had a pretty good voice. We used to go to live music almost regularly. The band already knew Dad and they always let him sing on the stage. Dad also sang at my brother's and my sister's wedding.

At home, I often sang karaoke with Dad. We mostly sang Led Zeppelin and Elton John. Maybe the music/TV room is also one of the significant places he would wander around.

When he wasn't traveling around the world though, Dad was just a simple stay-at-home man. He spent most of his time at home. He was an introvert and a very private person. When he wasn't working, he would rather spend his time alone or with his children, even when we were all grown up.

There was a time when Dad would go for a walk almost every morning with Mom and me. We would then go to Dad's favorite market to eat breakfast and buy some fruit. Maybe he would wander around the market too.

On Sunday he would go to the church. He would wake up very early in the morning and take forever to take a shower. Oh, he really took a very long time to take a shower and get ready. He would then emerge from the bathroom smelling so good. It was his aftershave. Now I keep the aftershave and smell it every time I miss him, which is all the time.

So... 40 days huh?

I never really believe in any version of the afterlife, but I don't have a proof that afterlife doesn't exist either. So, it made me feel better when I let myself believe in some versions, and if this 40-days thing happened to be true, well, I guess it's a real goodbye then. Maybe he's still in Hawaii, enjoying his last day on earth without acknowledging our grief at all, but maybe he's been around.

I just need to tell him how much I love him. He was my whole world. I miss checking on him in the morning, or when I came home at night. I miss talking to him at the dining table. I'm missing the lame jokes he kept telling me. I miss being in the car with him, listening to his songs. I miss him telling me, "Bapak nggak bawa kunci ya," before he left for the church, or "Kamu ada perlu apa?" when he left for the market.

Now that the 40 days had ended, maybe it's time for me to believe in reincarnation.

Jealousy

Jealousy is not cute at all.

Jealousy is really ugly. It’s hideous.

Jealousy has something to do with fairness, doesn’t it?

It’s funny, because jealousy itself isn’t fair.

Mothers… I mean most mothers, or at least some mothers,

love even their least favourite child more than they love themselves.

It’s supposed to be enough, isn’t it?

How big is that? How impossible is that?

How could anyone love anyone else more than they love themselves?

However great it might be, it’s often still not enough for the least favourite child.

All this child could care about was the fact that they’re the least favourite.

Many heartless mothers would just heartlessly abort their children.

Yes, I’m anti-abortion. Fuck you! Whatever.

No uterus, no opinion? I have a uterus, so there! My opinion! Cry about it!

Yes, many heartless mothers out there would just heartlessly abort their children.

This child, who was loved and very well-taken care off, could only care about one thing:

They're the least favourite child.

And that’s why jealousy isn’t fair.

The point is...

Yes, you are so allowed to make anyone a person you love the most without expecting them to make you the person they love the most. Love doesn't have to be fair. Love can never be fair.

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.

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On a side note, I don't feel jealous anymore, but I realize I had done some bad things in the past out of jealousy, and every now and then I still have to deal with the consequences.

On another side note, jealousy in a romantic or sexual relationship is even dumber. It's just simply disgusting and doesn't make sense at all. I mean, you can always choose your partners. If you're so jealous, why don't you just leave them and find somebody else? If you really love someone, you should be happy that they're happy, with or without you.

Happy New Year!!

Well, January 2023...

I keep telling myself to stop procrastinating, but... here I am, writing and posting this on the 4th day of 2023!

Anyway, my 2022 has been amazing! When it's already 4th of January, I thought it was too late to talk about 2022, but my 2022 was worth talking (writing) about.

Last year was a very special year for me. I had 3 main goals:

1. do at least 1 thing for the first time every month,

2. do stand-up comedy,

3. move to Bali,

and I did it! I achieved all of my goals! I know, they were simple goals, but it's still so satisfying to achieve them.

So, I've been doing a new thing or two, or three, every month.

In January, for the first time, I made mask lanyards from rubber bands, and I sold some of them. I also made and sold some bracelets.

In February, I got Covid for the first time! Yeay! It was great, because I was isolated in a room and had plenty of me-time. That was when I did stand-up comedy for the first time. I did it on Instagram live.

In March, I made my first digital comic that I posted on my art page on Instagram, @alavishpirate 

In the same month though, Mom got a stroke! She recovered very quickly and very well though.

I was supposed to move to Bali in March. I already booked a Yoga Teacher Training Program in March, but my boss wouldn't let me go until the end of June. Thank God! I can't imagine being in Bali, having my YTT, and Mom got stroke when I was in Bali, and I wouldn't be able to do anything.

In April, I... finally... watched Korean dramas! For the very first time, I watched a Korean drama. It was 'Reply 1988', and it was really good! I fell in love with the series, so when I finished the series, I wanted to watch another Korean drama. So, in May, I watched '2521', and it was also really good! Since the first 2 dramas I watched were really good, I kept trying to watch other Korean dramas, but none of them was good enough.

In May, I did 2 things for the first time. I posted my first stand-up comedy video, and that video was selected, so I also performed on stage for the first time.

In June, I went trekking for the first time. I'm not really sure if it was really the first time though. At the end of the month, I finally moved to Bali!

In July... oh, July was really special. I attended my first Yoga Teacher Training. I met the most amazing, loving, kind human beings there! I had the best experience in my life! I did a headstand for the first time, taught my first yoga class, and did my standup comedy in English for the first time during my practicum. I also went to the Aquatonic Thalasso Spa for the first time with my fellow yogis! It was amazing!

It was a very special experience for me, because I used to hate yoga before. I thought it wasn't fun, it was boring and I never had the patience. My experience in the Yoga Teacher Training at Loka Yoga changed everything. I really enjoyed every moment, I fell in love with yoga, I've been doing yoga regularly ever since, and yoga had helped me going through some really bad days that otherwise would drive me crazy. I'm so grateful for my Yoga Teacher Training experience. I've been writing about it and posted the first part in the previous post. Hopefully I will be able to post the rest of the story very soon.

In August, I went to Bali Comedy Club, another beautiful, positive community where people support and learn from each other. I performed on Bali stage for the first time. Also in August, my family came to visit me in Bali! What an amazing month!

In September, I reconnected with a very important person in my life, and I'm glad I did, for so many reasons.

In October, I went to a Halloween party at a night club... believe it or not, for the first time! I never liked parties and night clubs. They're boring. But the Halloween party I had was pretty enjoyable.

In November, for the first time I went canoeing, performed stand-up comedy for 30 minutes, got paid for doing stand-up, and took a sign language class! Four things happened for the first time! What an amazing month!

In December, I taught my first yoga class in Italian! I didn't know I could do that! I thought my Italian wouldn't be good enough, but it was enough for teaching yoga!

And for the first time, I got to watch Brazil play in the World Cup with some Brazilians! It was one of my dreams!

And... Argentina won the World Cup! It has nothing to do with me, but after 2 decades, finally, another South American country won the World Cup!

I've been having a wonderful year, but there are some other things too happening in Indonesia and all around the world.

From January to March, we had earthquakes every single month, mostly in Banten. We had many earthquakes. I also felt one in Bali in August, when my family was visiting. The worst was the one in Cianjur on the day the World Cup started.

Russia started a war against Ukraine at the end of February. Mahsa Amini, a girl in Iran got killed by the police for not wearing hijab properly. It started a huge, long-lasting riot and protest in Iran and some other parts of the world.

October was horrible! It was such a tragic month. It started with the Kanjuruhan tragedy in Malang on the very first day, and it ended with the Halloween tragedy in South Korea on the last day. Both tragedies killed about 125 people each. What a creepy month!

Then, there was the World Cup. It was the first World Cup that was played at the end of the year instead of the middle. Usually, World Cup started around my birthday, but this year, it started on November 21 (or 20 in Qatar). It was also the very first time a middle eastern country became a host, and it brought so many stories and controversies.

The day the World Cup started though, a lot of tragic things happened. Jason David Frank comitted suicide, there was a mass shooting in a gay bar in the US, and the Cianjur earthquake happened, as I mentioned earlier. And when the World Cup was about to end, Sinisa Mihajlovic died of Leukimia. He was one of the greatest players.

On the 29th of December, the most famous football legends, the only player who won 3 World Cups, Pele, passed away.

Public figures died in 2022:

Jason David Frank aka Tommy from Power Rangers

(September 4, 1974 - November 19, 2022)

Pele

(October 23, 1940 - December 29, 2022)

Queen Elizabeth

(April 21, 1926 - September 8, 2022)

Sinisa Mihajlovic

(February 20, 1969 - December 16, 2022)

May they rest in peace.

Yoga Teacher Training at Loka Yoga: Best Experience of My Life So Far (part 1)

The Background Story:

It’s been more than two weeks since I graduated from the yoga school, and to be honest, I still have a hard time moving on. I met my cousin and her family the day after, I got busy visiting beautiful places, I joined a comedy club and did my first stand-up comedy performance, I met some new friends and they were amazing…, and I still think of my yoga teacher training days all the time.

I went to this yoga school in Canggu, Bali, Loka Yoga School from July 4 to 30, and it was the best 4 weeks of my life! It was such an amazing experience! I’ve never been so happy, I’ve never had so much joy. Oh…, I have so much to tell! Let me try to break it down one by one and hopefully give a systematic story of my beautiful experience.

First of all, let’s talk about the background. I hate yoga. I mean, I used to hate it. I tried doing yoga in the past. I watched some videos, followed some yoga classes, read yoga books, and damn they were so boring. However, I was always amazed by the yogis because they’re so healthy, peaceful, and have amazing bodies.

Seriously, their bodies are amazing: fit, slim, toned, powerful, and super elastic. They can do super cool and difficult poses gracefully and effortlessly. That was why I kept trying to do and learn yoga. I wanted to be healthy and have an amazing body. I wanted to look like that and be able to do those super cool poses!

However, since I hated to do the yoga practice itself (and any non-sports-game physical activities in general), I never really did it seriously. I went on and off with yoga. Earlier this year, in January, a yoga school advertisement popped up on my social media. I was interested, because it wasn’t just a yoga school to be a yogi or yoga practitioner, but to be a certified yoga teacher!

Hey! I could get a yoga teacher certificate? I would be able to teach! I would make money from doing yoga! And the school is in Bali! Now…, I’ve been wanting to move to Bali and live here since forever. Last year, I decided to finally do it. I still didn’t know what to do, but I decided to move. My New Year's resolution was to move to Bali, and suddenly I had the idea of what I could do!

I saw some advertisements of these yoga schools, but I didn’t sign up for any of them. I wanted to get to the cheapest one, so I started searching for a list of yoga schools in Bali. I found this site with a complete list of yoga schools in Bali, and I found Loka Yoga and other schools. Loka Yoga was the cheapest one, located near the beach, and in Canggu, where the comedy club is. It was perfect!

I was so excited that I signed up right away. I signed up for the first batch of the year, which was in March, because I just couldn’t wait to leave Jakarta…, or Tangerang, it depends. I contacted the school, registered, and paid right away. I remember the joy and excitement I felt after transferring the money. I started planning my Bali life. I will be living in Bali by March! Oh! So excited!

The next day, I finally remembered that I have a job, and I would need to tell my office and ask for a leave. In my defense, I didn’t work much back then, business was slow, and my office didn’t have enough work for me to do. So, yeah, I forgot I had a job. In fact, when I called my boss, I wasn’t about to ask for permission to leave, I just meant to inform him that I would leave.

He freaked out. He told me I couldn’t do that. He told me I should’ve asked him for permission to leave, I had to write the e-mail, and it would take time. For a start, he had a lot of projects for me. He told me I would be super busy until the end of June. I had to postpone my Bali plan. Thing is, I wasn’t sure I could cancel my yoga school. Would I be able to reschedule to July?

I contacted the yoga school. By then I already knew who I was talking to. It was Taryn Weggelaar, the founder and the main teacher. She was very nice and responsive to my messages. Before I texted her, I was worried that I couldn’t reschedule, and I might lose that amount of money I’ve paid for the school. However, she told me I could reschedule to July, and I was so relieved.

Yes, I was relieved that I could reschedule, and I didn’t have to lose my money for nothing. However, I was still upset because I couldn’t move to Bali as early as I planned. I had to stay in Tangerang for a longer time and it sucked. I didn’t live in the present. I lived in the future. My mind was already in Bali. Every day I could only think about living in Bali.

The closer I got to July, the more I got anxious about the school. I started doubting my destiny. Attending a yoga school in Bali seemed too good to be true. I was so sure something bad would happen, just like every single time I was ready for something good in my life. There have been so many disappointments in my life that I couldn’t believe that a real good thing would happen to me.

I started having these negative thoughts. What if this yoga school was a scam? I kept checking on their social media pages. I even started stalking Taryn Weggelaar on Google and social media. Okay, she is real, they are real, the school is real, but then I started to worry about other things. What if I didn’t get a plane ticket? What if the plane crashed? What if something else happened and I couldn’t go? What if it didn’t happen?

But it happened! On June 30, I finally left Jakarta, I finally arrived in Bali, and on the 4^th of July, school finally started! It really happened, and it was really the best experience I’ve ever had in my life!

 

(to be continued…)

Nyokap Gue Kena Stroke, Part 2: Anak Brengsek

Oke, jadi, akhirnya perkara swab udah beres.

Buat jaga-jaga jikalau di antara kalian ada yang kelewat polos dan lugu, iya, di tulisan (entry) sebelumnya, gue bercanda, gue beneran diswab, bukan dirukiyah. Sampai sini paham?

Yah, jadi, sedikit review, beberapa minggu lalu, nyokap gue terkena serangan stroke ringan dan harus dirawat di rumah sakit selama 11 hari. Kalau di tulisan sebelumnya, gue udah cerita soal drama swab, kali ini gue mau cerita lebih lanjut seputar hal-hal lain yang gue hadapi ketika nyokap kena stroke.

Lo tau, kalo ada anggota keluarga kena musibah, apalagi sakit kritis kaya stroke gitu, yang paling capek apa? Bales-balesin WA dari temen-temennya!

Gejalanya gimana? Kejadiannya gimana? Kenapa bisa kena? Jatuh nggak? Bibirnya miring nggak? Pingsan atau sadar?

Capek gue banyak banget yang nanya-nanya doang ngga beli.

Apalagi yang sampe nanya berkali-kali, minta update mulu, sampe telepon-telepon. Beneran, bukan cuma 1 loh yang kaya gini. Banyak! Nyokap gue banyak banget temennya, nggak kaya gue!

“Tante minta update-nya dong, soalnya Tante khawatir kalo nggak ada update.”

Hey! Don’t make this about you! This is not about you!

Iya, gue tau, gue paham, mereka tuh bener-bener peduli sama nyokap gue. Mereka sayang banget sama nyokap gue dan mereka sangat khawatir. Gue pun sangat terharu dan berterimakasih atas kasih sayang dan perhatian mereka. Tapi kan tugas kami anak-anaknya adalah merawat nyokap, mengurus administrasi rumah sakit, dan mengurus klaim asuransi, bukan menjawab pertanyaan para sahabat. Emangnya kami admin fanpage nyokap?

Duh, yawlaah… temen nyokap bakal pada benci deh nih sama gue. Asli! Sampe ada yang udah nanya-nanya panjang lebar, cuma gue jawab, “Iya, Tante, terimakasih ya.” Sumpah! Bukan ada lagi. Gue copas jawaban itu ke semua orang yang nanya.

Ya, sebenernya sih gue pingin bikin klarifikasi soal kondisi nyokap secara detail di Pod Cast Oom Deddy, biar semua orang nggak nanya-nanya lagi soal kondisi nyokap gue. Namun apa daya, gue bukan siapa-siapa. Dalam rangka apa Oom Deddy ngundang gue?

Gue tuh bukannya repot banget ngurusin nyokap, nggak! Aduh, gue jadi ngerasa nggak enak, karena nyokap mikirnya gue nggak sempet bales-balesin WA itu karena gue repot ngurusin dia. Padahal nggak sama sekali! Gue aja yang emang pada dasarnya males bales chat orang. Kalo gue cepet banget bales chat dari lo, lo boleh ngerasa spesial.

Kenapa sih orang nanyanya pada detail-detail amat? Biar apa gitu?

Apalagi yang udah nanya detail banget, terus buntutnya bilang, “Tante bantu doa ya.”

Bukannya doa nggak membantu ya. Gue berterimakasih sekali kepada orang-orang yang membantu, termasuk membantu mendoakan. Bener, terimakasih loh. Itu berarti sekali, dan kami sekeluarga sangat percaya akan kekuatan doa.

Tapi kalau memang mau bantu mendoakan, ya nggak perlu kan tanya sedetail itu? Lo mau laporan ke Tuhan? Ya kan Tuhan juga tau keadaan nyokap gue kaya apa.

“Gejalanya gimana? Tekanan darahnya berapa? Dikasi obat apa sama dokter?”

Kalau Anda dokter dan bisa memberi second opinion terhadap perawatan ibu saya, silakan. Tapi kalau mau berdoa untuk ibu saya, yang saya khawatirkan, Anda nanti berdoa bukan baca buku doa, Al-Quran, yasin, tapi baca catatan medis ibu saya sama resep dokter!

“Ya Allah, turunkan lah tekanan darah teman saya dari 170/95 menjadi… sebentar ya Allah, saya lupa berapa tekanan darah yang normal. Saya mau lihat broadcast WA grup dulu ya Allah…” (ya ibu-ibu kan cari info bukan dari gugel, tapi dari broadcast WA)

“Ya Allah, berikan lah teman saya Brainact tablet 500 miligram dan Kalnex tablet 500 miligram 3 kali sehari, diminum setelah makan. Bila sakit berlanjut, hubungi dokter, ya Allah!”

Masa doa kaya gitu? Nggak mungkin kan?

Masalahnya tulisan dokter kan Tuhan lebih paham cara bacanya. Saya takutnya, Anda salah baca.

Ibaratnya gini, misalnya nih temen nyokap WA ke nyokap. “Kasian, anak lo belom dapet jodoh ya. Gue bantu doain deh. Emang lo pinginnya anak lo dapet jodoh yang gimana?”

Terus nyokap bales, WA juga kan, “Gue sih pinginnya anak gue dapet jodoh yang tinggi, cakep, buat memperbaiki keturunan, seiman, sesuku, tapi kalo bisa sih jangan yang sejenis.”

Dalam bahasa/tulisan WA menjadi “Gw sih pgnnya anak gw dpt jodoh yg tinggi, cakep, buat memperbaiki keturunan, seiman, sesuku, tp kalo bisa sih jg yg sejenis.”

Temen nyokap pun membalas, "Siap!" dan dia pun segera berdoa sama Tuhan, sambil baca WA nyokap. "Ya Tuhan, berilah anak teman saya jodoh yang tinggi, cakep, buat memperbaiki keturunan, seiman, sesuku, tapi kalo bisa sih...”, lalu dia bingung, “Jg? apaan nih jg? Juga kali ya..."

"Ya Tuhan, berilah anak teman saya jodoh yang tinggi, cakep, seiman, sesuku, juga sejenis."

Ya bahaya kan kalo gue dapet jodoh sejenis, sama-sama guru les, sama-sama miskin, sama-sama nggak bisa berkontribusi untuk pengobatan nyokap gue.

Ya iya sih, nyokap gue kan juga berdoa. Tapi kalo keimanan temen nyokap lebih tebel, nanti doa dia yang dijabah.

Gue rasa, kalo temen nyokap baca tulisan gue ini, doa mereka bakal berubah: “Ya Allah, semoga kalau saya sakit nanti, anak saya tidak seperti anak teman saya ini, ya Allah! Judes banget! Orang kan niatnya mau bantu!”

Btw, temen-temen nyokap nggak cuma bantu doa loh ya. Mereka juga nyumbang uang banyak banget dan tiap hari ada aja yang ngirimin makanan. Temen-temen gue pun pada ngirimin makanan setelah akhirnya gue terpaksa ngasi tau mereka soal nyokap. Yang pasti, dari pihak keluarga, saudara-saudara nyokap dan sepupu-sepupu gue sangat banyak membantu dari segi moril dan materil. Terikamasih banyak ya untuk kalian semua yang saya sebutkan di paragraf ini. Maafkan kalau saya judes tiap ditanya update ibu saya. Emang dasarnya judes aja.

 

(to be continued! Percaya lah! Masih banyak drama seputar nyokap gue kena stroke)

Nyokap Gue Kena Stroke, Part 1: Swag test!

Nyokap gue baru aja kena stroke, sekitar akhir Maret. Pas nyokap kena stroke, gue shock dan sedih banget. Gue sangat terpukul, teriak-teriak, meratapi nasib, dan menangis histeris. Semua itu karena satu hal: swab test bajingan!

Sebagai satu-satunya di keluarga yang nggak punya bayi, udah pasti gue yang harus nungguin nyokap di rumah sakit. Sebenernya, gue nggak ada masalah nungguin orang di rumah sakit. Namun, seperti yang kita semua ketahui, di masa pandemi yang nggak kelar-kelar ini, semua pasien dan penunggu wajib PCR sebelum menjalani rawat inap! Khusus bagi penunggu (hanya yang kasat mata), wajib PCR sekali seminggu, atau antigen 3 hari sekali, walaupun mereka di rumah sakit terus, di kamar pasien terus, nggak ke mana-mana.

Kan bangkek ya!

Pertama, biaya rawat inap makin mahal! PCR dan antigen pastinya tidak ditanggung asuransi. Kedua… faaakkk! Ngeri banget idung gue dicolok-colok benda asing nggak jelas! Ugh! I hate swab test! Bisa nggak sih diganti aja jadi swag test?

Asli! Beneran, gue kalo diswab selalu drama banget! Nggak pernah nggak!

Jangan bayangin gue diswab layaknya orang normal yang tinggal duduk diem, dicolok, paling matanya kedip-kedip doang atau berair dikit, atau paling parah udahannya bersin-bersin. Gue kalo lagi diswab lebih mirip orang lagi dirukiyah!

Eh bener nggak sih namanya rukiyah? Tau kan, exorcism, kalo orang kerasukan setan, terus setannya diusir pake doa-doa dan air suci gitu. Biasanya dilakukan oleh seorang pemuka agama atau lebih.

Gue tiap diswab minimal harus dipegangin tiga orang. Satu megangin kaki, satu megangin tangan, satu megangin kepala… lah yang nge-swab siapa dong? Oke, minimal 4 berarti.

Oke, balik lagi ke kejadian nyokap gue dirawat inap karena stroke, sebagai penunggu, pilihan gue antara:

1. hidung gue dicolok seminggu sekali, tapi lebih mahal, atau

2. lebih murah, tapi setelah 3 hari idung gue mesti dicolok lagi.

Setakut-takutnya gue sama PCR, gue tetep lebih pilih yang murah. Jadi antigen lah gue.

Pas gue dateng nih ke tempat swab, gue udah wanti-wanti nih nakes-nakesnya. “Sus, ini saya takuuut banget loh sebenernya diswab. Tapi karena harus jagain ibu saya, saya terpaksa banget ini diswab.”

Dengan wajah penuh kesabaran dan suara penuh kehangatan, susternya berkata, “Oh, nggak papa kok, Bu. Kami sudah biasa.”

He?? Udah biasa?? Wahh… Gue yakin dia nggak tau apa yang akan dihadapinya.

Kalo bener dia biasa nge-swab orang macem gue, gue yakin, pandemi baru 3 bulan juga dia udah resign! Dia pasti udah cari kerjaan lain! Yakin gue! 100%! “Yawlaah… bayaran gue nggak seberapa, ngeswab orang gini amat!” terus pindah cari kerjaan lain tuh orang!

Tapi ya udah lah, yang penting gue udah wanti-wanti. Gue duduk, siap-siap diswab, tegang banget, ya kan. Nah… mulai deh tuh rukiyah! Ada yang megangin kaki, megangin tangan, megangin kepala, megangin dada…

Dadanya sendiri loh ya. Siyok dia tuh ngeliat kelakuan gue!

Heboh lah itu. Gue dipegangin sambil teriak-teriak gitu. Ada yang sambil nyipratin air suci, ada yang sambil komat-kamit. Mana swab kalo di rumah sakit dalem banget kan. Pernah nggak lo swab di rumah sakit? Beda loh kedalamannya. Asli, dalem banget! Sampe nembus ke belakang kepala tuh gue rasa!

Gue juga kasian sama yang ngeswabin gue. Asli! Kasian loh mereka. Sampe akhirnya, pada satu titik, salah satu nakes itu pun menghembuskan nafas lelah tak berdaya sambil bertanya, “Bu, ini bener-bener udah nggak ada lagi nih yang bisa jagain pasien selain ibu?”

Yee… kan tadi gue udah bilang…

Yawlah…, kasian banget dia. Gue yakin tiap gue swab, bukan cuma gue yang trauma. Nakesnya juga ikutan trauma!

Tapi akhirnya, setelah segala drama dan pergumulan lahir batin, berhasil juga loh gue diswab! Gue lega banget, tapi yang lebih lega lagi adalah para nakes yang nge-swab gue tentunya. Wajah-wajah mereka yang penuh kesabaran dan kehangatan telah berubah menjadi wajah-wajah sepet siap resign.

Abis diswab gue minta maaf dan berterimakasih ke nakes-nakes itu, gue keluar dari ruang swab, dan nunggu sekitar 10 menitan sampai hasilnya keluar.

Gue dipanggil sama salah satu nakes untuk ngeliat hasilnya.

“Bu…, maaf…, hasilnya positif,” ujarnya.

“Po…, positif…?”

“Iya, Bu, positif kerasukan setan.”

 Ternyata gue emang dirukiyah!

Pantesan aja tadi nusuknya dalem banget! Ternyata gue bukan diswab, tapi dipasangin paku lewat idung!

 

(to be continued! Percaya lah! Masih banyak drama seputar nyokap gue kena stroke)

Leave Me Alone

 Tuesday, March 29, 2022:

All that was left in a hurry

The bed that wasn't made

The mugs that weren't washed

Things that weren't done properly

The words that were left unsaid

and the ones that were said but shouldn't be

:

This is probably one of the hardest times in my life, and I just want to be left alone.

Like, yes please, help me, help us financially and physically by all means. But I'm emotionally exhausted to see someone I love in a bad condition. I'm emotionally exhausted to be so close to losing someone I love. And I just need people to stop asking questions.

Why TF would people want to know what happened? Why TF do I have to explain everything to everyone?

If I hardly ever say anything to the ones in their hardest time, it's because I want to be left alone in my own hardest time.

I know people mean well, and it's really not their faults. They're just being very kind and I'm grateful for all the material and physical helps. I don't hate them at all. I know they care about me, about us. I just hate the fact that in my hardest time, being left alone is the only thing I need.

I won't refuse the money, but I really don't fucking need to talk. I fucking hate talking about my problem, especially when I fucking know that the talk won't solve any fucking thing. It's fucking annoying.

The only moral support I need in my hardest time is silence. And some cash.

Dirgahayu RI!

Jumat, 17 Agustus, 2018

SelamatHari Kemerdekaan Indonesia!
Dirgahayu ke-73 RI! Udah lumayan tua ya negara kita.

Apa yang biasanya lo lakukan untuk merayakan hari kemerdekaan ini?

Gue biasanya jalan-jalan...ke masa lalu.

Iya, di masa lalu, masa kecil gue dulu, 17-an selalu dirayakan meriah banget di RT dan RW setempat. Ada lomba-lomba antar warga se-RT, lalu ada lagi lomba-lomba antar RT se-RW. Belom! Belom sampe tingkat antar RW se-kelurahan. Seru kali ya kalo sampe kelurahan, udah kaya Paskibra.

Dulu gue paling semangat tiap 17-an!
Karena dulu gue masi tinggal di komplek perumahan yang asik banget, yang warganya kompak dan aktif, dan gue masi sekolah.
Jadi, baik di rumah maupun di sekolah, gue mengikuti berbagai macam lomba.

Ada lomba khas 17-an seperti lomba makan kerupuk, balap karung, balap kelereng, bakiak, dan yang paling seru buat gue, panjat pinang!
Ada juga lomba dan kompetisi lain seperti panco, tarik tambang, sepakbola pakai daster/sarung, dan lain-lain.

Jujur aja, pas di RT gue cuma supporter. Banyak yang lebih jago makan kerupuk sama balap karung, nggak bisa main voli, nggak bisa ikut main bola karena cuma ada buat cowok, dan balap kelereng cuma buat anak-anak.

Tapi di sekolah, gue lumayan aktif. Biasanya gue ikut lomba bakiak, tarik tambang, sama udah pasti main sepakbola dong!

Selain itu, setiap 17-an, sekolah gue selalu mengirimkan tim Paskibra untuk bersaing di tingkat, kelurahan, kecamatan, bahkan sempat mencapai tingkat nasional! Gue yang sama sekali nggak ikutan Paskibra aja ikutan bangga.

Lalu gue lulus sekolah, dan lulus kuliah, dan pindah ke komplek rumah yang sekarang. Pertama-tama, nggak ada perayaan 17-an, oh mungkin karena lagi pada puasa, karena waktu itu 17 Agustus pas Ramadhan. Selama 3-4 tahun 17 Agustus jatuh pada saat orang-orang puasa atau lebaran. Tapi setelahnya, ternyata emang nggak pernah ada lomba atau acara apa-apa.

Waktu gue ngelirik komplek-komplek sebelah dan sekitar, ternyata mereka pada ngerayain 17-an dengan berbagai macam lomba.

Memang rumput tetangga selalu lebih...merah-putih ya.

Tapi sebenernya, kalo dipikir-pikir, kenapa gue, dan juga orangtua gue, selalu mengeluh bahwa di komplek kita ini nggak ada acara-acara untuk merayakan 17-an? Orangtua gue selalu mengeluh, katanya warga di sini nggak ada inisiatif.
Lah, kami kan warga juga? Kenapa nggak kami saja yang berinisiatif mengadakan acara dan lomba-lomba untuk 17-an?
Mungkin tahun depan bisa dicoba. Kali aja, berawal dari EO 17-an RT, tau-tau bisa berkembang jadi EO kejuaraan dunia balap karung. Eh ada nggak sih? Siapa tau ada.

Masih soal ngeluh-mengeluh nih, kedua orangtua gue tuh suka banget ngeluh soal tetangga-tetangga yang males pasang bendera tiap 17 Agustus. Beneran loh! Bahkan kalo soal ini mereka nggak cuma ngeluh, tapi juga menegur satu-satu tetangga yang nggak pasang bendera.

Yah, ini balik lagi ke masing-masing sih ya. Tapi kalo menurut gue, sebagai orang yang merasa terganggu dengan orang lain yang mengusik cara orang beragama dan beribadah, gue nggak akan mengusik hubungan orang lain dengan negara.

Bukan cuma gue loh yang nggak suka kalo orang ikut campur masalah agama dan kepercayaan. Kedua orangtua gue pun paling anti sama yang mengatasnamakan agama untuk menuduh orang lain sesat. Hubungan orang dengan Tuhan itu personal, cukup buat masing-masing aja, nggak perlu ngurusin orang lain. Kita sendiri juga belum tentu agamanya udah sempurna.

Nah apa bedanya sama hubungan orang dengan negara? Kami pasang bendera, sejak seminggu sebelum dan seminggu setelah hari kemerdekaan. Lalu ada beberapa orang yang hanya pasang bendera pada saat hari kemerdekaan, dan ada yang tidak pasang bendera sama sekali. Apakah mereka kurang nasionalis dibandingkan kami?

Apa yang sudah kami lakukan untuk negara? Tidak usah bicara besar. Apakah kami lebih memilih produk lokal daripada produk luar? Apakah kami lebih banyak menonton film lokal daripada Hollywood? Apakah kami lebih memilih berlibur ke tujuan wisata lokal daripada internasional? Kalo yang terakhir, iya sih, tapi lebih karena murah aja.

Ibu gue itu orangnya anti banget sama yang lokal-lokal. "Udah beli mahal-mahal, jauh-jauh di luar negri, taunya buatan Indonesia," entah berapa ribu kali komentar semacam itu keluar dari mulutnya, dan ibu-ibu lainnya.
Tiap diajakin nonton film Indonesia, "Oh film Indonesia ya? Mamah nggak deh kalo film Indonesia."
Ya, iya sih, gue pun mengakui, masih banyak film Indonesia yang mengecewakan. Tapi banyak juga kok yang jauh lebih bagus dari film luar, apalagi film Hollywood.
Tiap denger lagu, pas denger musiknya padahal menikmati, eh begitu kata-katanya keluar, ternyata bahasa indonesia, langsung buru-buru diganti.
Entah kenapa ya, ibu gue ini antiii banget sama yang indonesia-indonesia. Kayaknya tuh, alergi apa gimana gitu.
Makanya gue juga heran, kenapa sih lo ngurusin banget orang mau pasang bendera apa nggak?

Dan orang kaya gitu bukan cuma satu loh di Indonesia. Banyak coy! Seperti orang-orang yang ngerasa lebih beriman dari yang lain, sehingga yang lain sesat. Setiap orang yang ngerasa nasionalis pun seenaknya ngecap orang lain kurang nasionalis, atau bahkan anti NKRI.
Setiap kubu politik, baik yang mendukung si A maupun si B, si C, atau si D, apapun ideologinya, sama-sama merasa lebih nasionalis, lebih pancasilais, dan lebih berhak untuk berteriak "NKRI harga mati!"
Yakin? Gue todong pistol juga lo pindah kewarganegaraan!

Udah lah, nggak usah koar-koar mana yang bener mana yang salah, mana yang nasionalis, mana yang nggak. Gue yakin kok semua rakyat Indonesia cinta sama Indonesia, bangga menjadi bangsa Indonesia, dan mengabdi pada negara dengan caranya masing-masing. Yang paling penting itu kita damai dan bersatu!

Ironis banget kan, teriak-teriak NKRI harga mati, tapi masih kemakan juga sama isu-isu pemecah belah bangsa?

The Father and the Children

Sunday, May 27, 2018

(Originally posted on May 23, 2018)


Once upon an absurd time and place, where such event could possibly occur, there were this father and his four children.

The eldest son, the 7 years old Jack, was very close to his father. His father was  too happy and proud of his firstborn. So, his father always treated him well and full of love.

Jack loved his father very much. In Jack's eyes, his father was a loving and caring family man who would never harm his children in any way. Jack was very obedient, not because he was afraid, but because he loved his father.

Things were different for the second son, the 6 years old Mike. He was born in the time of war, so the father was harder on him. He scolded him a lot and sometimes even hit him. However, Mike knew, no matter what, he had no other option but to be as obedient as possible, because his father was the only person who took care of him.

The third son, the 5 years old Artie, was still too young to even acknowledge that they had a father. Their father left before their youngest brother, the 3 years old Peter was born. So, he was too young to even remember him.

However, the mother kept telling the children that one day, their father would be back. And, because the father used to be very powerful and dominant in the house, in order to keep her children in order, the mother often spoke on behalf of the father, promised the children that they'd get rewards and punishments from their father for whatever they did.

After their father left, their mother had to work a lot, and Jack and Mike had to take care of Artie and Peter almost all the time. The mother didn't even have a chance to take care of or even speak to Artie and Peter herself.

Now they happened to live next to a river. Everytime the mother had to leave the house, everytime she told Jack and Mike to take care of their little brothers, Artie and Peter, she also warned them not to play in the river, because they could be drowned and dead. Of course she especially warned the two boys not to let their little brothers play in the river. And as always, she warned those boys about the rewards and punishments from the father, to make sure the boys would do what she told them and wouldn't do what she told them not.

She even left a note on the table. Since none of her boys could read, she made a drawing that showed 4 boys, a river flows, and a death symbol.

When the mother left, Jack and Mike were in charge. Jack and Mike didn't actually care about Artie or Peter. All they really cared about is their own good. The reason why Jack was willing to take care of his younger brothers was just because he wanted to make his father happy when he came back home. And for Mike, the reason was so his father wouldn't beat him. He would do anything to avoid punishments from his father.

It was easier to keep Artie and Peter from the river when they were little. But now that Artie was 5 and Peter was 3, it was getting a lot more challenging for Jack and Mike to do their job.

Jack was starting to let his brothers do whatever they want, because he believed his father wouldn't punish him anyway. He believed his father loved him to much to ever hurt him. He only cared about his father and didn't actually care about his brothers.

Mike, on the other hand, would never forget how scary their father could be when he was angry. So Mike started to threaten his younger brothers with violence. Just like Jack, Mike actually didn't care about his brothers at all. But he was so afraid of his father's punishments.

Meanwhile, Artie had actually been old enough to reason. None of the older siblings knew that Artie had made it  to the river once, and almost drowned. Artie was lucky enough, not only he somehow survived, but also that the older brothers never found out about it. But he learnt himself that the river could be dangerous.

So, while Jack lost his interest to keep his brothers away from the river, and Mike was so afraid of father's punishments, Artie kept Peter away from the river because he knew the river was dangerous, and he really cared about Peter. Artie didn't care about what his father would do. He didn't even believe of his existence in the first place.

One day, Jack, Mike, and Artie were finally off guard, and Peter made it to the river. Artie was the first to find out. He shouted, "Guys, Peter went to the river!" as he ran to the river to save Peter.

Mike was furious. He chased his two brothers. "Hey! What are you guys doing!? Father's gonna kill us!"

When Peter was almost drowned, Artie did anything he could to save him. Mike could've helped them, but he was too afraid to go to the river because he always remembered the punishment he'd get from his father. So he just watched. He would never, ever go to the river, no matter what.

But Artie and Peter made it anyway. And the three boys came back home. Artie and Peter was glad to survive from the river. But Mike was still furious.

Mike said, "Jack, we must kill Artie and Peter!"

Jack was calm. "But why?"

Mike took the note their mother left. "Jack, look at this note!"

Still Jack was calm. He said, "Relax, Mike, Father wouldn't punish us. He loves us."

"No Jack, look! Four boys must be us," Mike said. "This must be the river. And this must be death."

"And?"

"It means, anyone who got into the river should be killed! Father wants us to kill them, Jack!"

"No, we should not kill him."

"But if we didn't do it, if we didn't kill our brothers, Father would punish us!"

Artie was confused. "Hey Mike, we survived, why are you still upset?"

"Are you crazy! Father is going to punish us all!" Mike freaked out.

"But who is Father? Does he even exist? Wasn't Mother the one who wrote that note?" Artie asked, and his question made Mike even more furious.

Even the calm Jack was finally furious. "How dare you say that? How dare you doubt the existence of our father!?"

"Whatever she has written is a message from him. He is real and he is going to punish us!" said Mike.

"No he's not going to punish us," said Jack. "But he is real! And he loves us all!"

"So what? We survived the river, it's all that matters! We would not make the same mistake." said Artie.

So the three brothers kept on fighting. While they were busy fighting over what they should do about the 'river incident', they didn't realize that Peter was already making his way back to the river.

Peter made it to the river again. But that time, no one was there to save him. He was drowning while his brothers were busy arguing whether the Father exists or not, or whether he is a lover or a punisher.

What an irony, isn't it? The three older brothers could've just stopped fighting, been glad that they were all fine, and kept an eye on their little brother. But they were having an unnecessary fight instead.

Jack might love his father so much, but he wouldn't do anything to save his brother, because he didn't really care about him. He only cared about his father. In fact, he only cared about himself. As long as he knows his father wouldn't do anything to harm him, he wouldn't care whatever would happen to his brothers.

Mike would do anything to avoid his father's punishment. He was so afraid of his father. So yeah, he would do anything to make sure that his brothers didn't go to the river, not for his brother's sake, but for the sake of avoiding his father's punishment. Yes, it could have worked. The point was not letting the brothers go to the river, right?

But then, when the brothers really did, and was in danger, he wouldn't do anything to help them. Because avoiding his father's prohibition is more important for him than helping his brothers.

And the worse would be when he made a wrong interpretation of his mother's note. He would've done exactly the opposite of what his mother and father would want. Mike would or wouldn't do anything to avoid his father's punishments. And he might do something really bad just because a wrong interpretation told him to.

And Artie, well he was actually the only one who really cared about their youngest brother Peter. But what could he do against the more powerful brothers, who spoke in the name of the powerful father?

Why would anyone leave a bunch of children next to a dangerous river, with only an ambiguous note? That'll be another question.

But actually, couldn't the children just really cared about each other without having to think of rewards and punishments from their father? Or do the lessons of rewards and punishments had made them lose their common senses?


Aloha, A.

The Story of Ava and Benji

Friday, May 18, 2018

Meet Ava and Benji. Ava was a very beautiful cat and Benji was a super cute and adorable dog.

Ava and Benji were raised together as siblings. Ava and Benji have always loved each other. Until one day, they had to live separately. They didn't understand what really happened. But suddenly they had to say goodbye to each other for what seems to be forever.

Benji ended up in a house full of dogs and Ava ended up with other strayed cats.

His whole life, Benji had never spent enough time with other dogs. But one thing he learnt from his new friends was that cats are all evil. At first of course Benji didn't believe it, because he remembered Ava, his best friend forever. But while walking through the neighborhood with his new friends, he found some cats. He tried to convince his new friends that cats were harmful. But the cats were not Ava. Unlike Ava, they had never met any nice dogs that treat them nicely. So the cats attacked Benji. This kept happening every time, until finally Benji believed that all cats are evil. So finally he hated all cats. Of course he still remembered Ava. But he had concluded in his mind, that all cats are just evil. Ava was an exception, because she was raised with a dog. Benji even believed that Ava was actually evil, because she's a cat after all.

Meanwhile, Ava was also surprised to find out how cruel and aggressive a dog can be. Another cats had warned her not to be friends with dogs, because all dogs are evil. And just like Benji, at first Ava refused to believe that. But also like what Benji had experienced, Ava also found that all dogs she met were so mean to her. So, with time, finally Ava had to believe that all dogs are evil.

That's it. Everytime Benji saw a cat, he'd bark at it, chased it, and even attacked it. He no longer cared to get to know the cat first.
So did Ava. Everytime she met a dog, she ran, or got ready to protect herself. She hated every dogs.

Benji believed that all cats are evil, and Ava believed that all dogs are evil. And they themselves became living proofs of the evil dog and cat.


We can't blame them. They're just animals. Luckily, we are not animals.

Sophia

Gotta sort these things out

These thoughts of highly intelligent robots are really bothering me in any kinda way.

So, some couples of months or weeks ago, me and my friends were talking about this robot, Sophia. She’s the most famous robot recently, and yes it’s a she, and she even has a citizenship!

What really bothering me was these issues that the highly intelligent robots would want to rule the world, and probably make us, humans their slaves.

But one big question popped in my head: what do they need to rule the world for? What would they want this world to be?

First, let’s talk about: why would one want to rule the world?

I searched it on Google, since it was the fastest way to get any information, right? But it’s not totally reliable in delivering facts. Plus, it’s human’s psychology. It’s one the most complex things!

So, I can’t really know for sure why, but it must have something to do with their purpose in life, right? What do you think?

I mean, let’s say, you rule the world. Bam! Now, what are you going to do about that? Of course you want to do something with the world, that is suitable for your idea of a better world, that must have been according to your true purpose in life. Please give me other opinion if what I wrote didn’t make any sense, but right now, that’s what makes sense the most to me.

So, let’s say it was about purpose in life.

Meanwhile, doesn’t purpose in life have something to do with passion? Passion is something we think about all the time. Passion is about something we truly love, and love is a feeling. And the robots don’t have any feelings. How can a robot be sad, or angry, or happy? How can a robot love? How can a robot have a passion? How can a robot have any reason to rule the world?

But on the second thought, what is feeling, again? What is this thing we claim as feeling? Feeling is just one of so many reactions produced by our brain. It is programmed by our experiences, memories, hormones and chemical reactions in our bodies: some things that is highly possible to build in a robot.

So, basically, yes, robots can be so sophisticatedly made, so they can have what so close to resemblance feelings.

But how would the feeling-building-process be? How would it go? Either consciously or not, we do have purpose and objectives in life. I don’t even know about purpose in life. Why are we here? Why are we created?

Are we created with different purpose, same purpose, or no purpose at all? Are we just created to be able to have a purpose, based on our ability to feel, based on our ability to process all the information we get?

So, would the robots, be created with its creator’s personal life purpose (or maybe company purpose), or would they only be created with the ability to have their own life purpose?

These whole robot things really made me think a lot about humans and their creator, or maybe just about humans. We’ve been searching for our life purpose. Philosophers have been debating about the true meanings of life. I’ve been wondering about the meanings of life myself.

Now I think, the creation of these highly intelligent robots might be able to answer a lot of our questions about human, its creation, and its purpose, and the meaning of life one day.

Diseases of the Future

Friday, February 23, 2018

I've been thinking about the past, a lot. I love history of everything, even the things I'm not really into. History is always fun to learn. It's full of fun and unique facts.

But now I suddenly want to talk about futuristic things too. It's not really the first time, actually. I think of future as much as I think of the past. While the past is about fun facts and incredible information, the future is all about imagination.

Now, what very interesting for me is the medical world. Medical articles (along with criminal ones) have always been my favourite since I was little. I used to want to be a doctor, but my academic record just couldn't get me there.

I've talked about prehistoric diseases in this blog quite a while ago. I think it was last year or even the year before.

Prehistoric diseases was very interesting to talk about. I got my mind blown learning about them. Now I'm talking about the future diseases.

I've found this interesting article written by Alessia Andreotti (Ciao Signorina! Mi piace molto il suo articolo! Brava!)

https://www.nextnature.net/2015/03/diseases-of-the-future/

"Nowadays humans suffer from diseases that didn’t exist in the past, a trend that will probably continue into the future. A wide range of new disorders, especially related to the latest technologies, may affect us.

The disease of the future are related to our modern lifestyle, they affect the psyche but, in the long run, can also debilitate the organism. Computers, video games, office work, virtual realities, and their lumbering presence, are just some of the elements that have changed the context in which we live and the way we spend our time. Technology has found our new weaknesses and will exploit them.

Even if it’s impossible to know which pathogens will afflict us in the future, we can explore the health issues that could emerge as a consequence of technological advancements and our inability to cope with them. Virtual Reality Addiction, Nature Deficit Disorder, Computerization of the Personality, Nanotech Poisoning, shown below a selection of third millennium diseases."

You can read the rest of the article in the link above.

When searching for future diseases, I was thinking of something more biological, like... I don't know, new version of cancer or blood diseases. Well, if you read the article, you'll see that she wrote about the biological diseases too (metalosis maligna was the coolest one). But what interested me more were the psychological ones.

There are some diseases that I think I might have, or even a lot of us might have. Those diseases are 'Computerization of the Personality' and 'Virtual Reality Addiction'.

Yep, I definitely have 'Virtual Reality Addiction'. I could play 'The Sims' for hours, even days. It's ironic, that they made a game based on reality, that is so real people love it more than they love the reality itself. But it is explainable. The virtual reality looks like the reality we live in, but we can control more than we can do in real life. It is just so much better and that's why it is addictive.

But I'm really interested in how our personalities have been computerized. It is a fact that has been happening, no longer in the future. Well, the article was originally written in 2015. But even by then I think many people have already had computerized personalities.

Our personalities are affected a lot by the ones we interact with the most. It used to be our friends or family. But nowadays, we interact mostly with computer. We get so used to the way the computer receive, process, and respond to the information, we start to receive, process, and respond to information the way they do.

I think my lack of feeling (especially love) to my surroundings is the effect of my computerized personality. Everything has to be logical or I wouldn't be able to understand it. Wow! I didn't think it was a disease before!

I've lost my human side. I couldn't feel. I can't feel. And I've been okay with that. I'm still feeling okay with that. I'm just amazed by the realization.

But actually, how human are we supposed to be? Is that even a standard?

Highs and Lows of January

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Day 30: My Highs and Lows of the Month

Yeah this challenge were supposed to be done in a month, starting at the first day of the month, and ending at the 30th day of the month, or most probably end of the month.

But I started this a week after January started, and now it ends at the end of the first week in February. But when we talk about the month here, I'll talk about January.

So here are my highs and lows in January.

My lows, of course, were those days between the 8th to the 16th of January when I was really sick. I hate being sick, especially being sick for that long! I couldn't do anything! I was so negative and angry.

My highs were the last couples of days of the month, where I spent so much happy time with my loved ones. Also that crazy phenomenon at the end of the month, that super blue blood moon. I've seen it! In 150 other years, I have to live in these years and got the chance to see that! There were at least three generations that didn't have a chance to see something like this.

Okay, those are my lattest 30 days. This is the last day of the challenge. The next challenge for me is to start a challenge in the 1st day of any month.

My February Goals

Monday, February 5, 2018

Day 29: My Goals for the Next 30 Days

This challenge should be started on the first day of the month and ended by the end of the month. So, I'm just gonna talk about February goals (and February is not even 30 days).

By the end of February, I must have finished making notes of my Japanese lessons.

Also, I'm currently chasing this guy's score on Duolingo. Right now, as I'm writing this, his score is 141059xp and mine is 138370xp. We're still 2689xp apart.
But just last week we were 6055xp apart (his was 140954 and mine was 134899). I came 3366xp closer in only a week! Isn't it crazy!? Ah well, you'll understand if you use Duolingo. If you're not, I'll tell you this, to achieve our maximum daily goals, we only need 50xp, but my rate is 480xp/day.

Right after I finished all my Japanese lessons and got my Japanese trophy, I started to chase this guy. But you know, a lot of things came in between, and when I started to really chase this guy, our scores were like... I don't know... probably about 20000xp apart. The last days on December 2017, I predicted that I'd catch up with him somewhere around my sister's wedding (it will be on July 22). But then, each day the prediction moves closer and closer. It moved to earlier day in July, then to end of June, then to earlier day in June, to May, to April, and guess what! Now I think I would have reached him by the end of this month! How amazing is that!

And for making money business, I have to make some productions according to my annual goal, but I wouldn't let anyone know about it.

I really need to start saving for my trip. I must save at least 10% of the expense I need for my trip!

Oh my God!! Tomorrow would be the last day of this challenge!! Woohoo!