One Beautiful Morning

I had to go to the airport today. I had to take Adrian’s passport there. Adrian would be there at 7 or so. He’d come from Jogja. Then he’d leave right away.

I’ve asked the X-Trans yesterday and they said I had to take the car that leave at 4.30 am, so I gotta be there by 4.15 am. I was like, ‘Oh my God, how am I supposed to do that?’

I didn’t really sleep last night. My friends left around 10.30 pm. I finished the rest of the meal myself. I finished eating at 11 or so.

I just finished my dinner, so I couldn’t just sleep. I sprayed my bedroom with the mosquito spray thingy, and while waiting, I washed the dishes, tidied up the table, and wrote my diary for a while. I made some daily plans then I went upstairs to take a shower. Then finally I could take a little nap. It was 2:10 am. I’ve set the alarm to ring at 3:45. When it rang, I wasn’t really asleep. I didn’t even have a dream.

I was so exhausted, and pissed because the X-Trans I should take was too early, because I couldn’t get the seats for the other cars those depart from BTC after 4.30 am.

Wow! It was like the first time I ever leave the house that early, only by myself. I was afraid because it was still dark and everybody still sleeping. It was kinda creepy. I just prayed while walking to the security post. I already planned to asked the security guard to take me to BTC with his motorcycle, and I’d pay him.

But when I arrived at the security post, I found the guard sleeping. I didn’t wanna wake him. So I waited for taxi or the public car. But there were no public car that goes to BTC. And all the taxi that passed was booked by someone so they didn’t wanna stop. So finally I’ve gotta wake the security guard up anyway.

But at least he didn’t have to take me to BTC himself. There was an ojeg rider slept in the post with him. The ojeg took me to BTC.

It was all creepy. I was afraid of the dark, my own imagination, then came the paranoid mind that something really bad might happen because I went outside that early. I mean, I heard some stories of pretty bad traffic accidents happened in that early morning. So I prayed all the time I was on the motorcycle. Then, the X-trans airport car left BTC on 4.30 am. The driver drove so fast and… well, it felt unsafe, but it might just because I was in the backseat.

When it was still dark, lot of paranoid mind came to me. I thought of so many bad things, sad things, things those make me angry, and sometimes some funny things too. I’m not a dark-person. I hate dark. But, you know, to go to the airport, I’ve gotta go through the same way that I should passed to go to Karawaci. So the small trip brought back some memories. Those beautiful ones.

I remembered how my family would do simply anything for me. I remember Mama took me to the printing place a lot. Most of the time in the early morning when the sky was still dark. Mom took me with Deany. Sometimes with Adrian. Sometimes with Bapak. Sometimes with Nur. Bapak and Deany also took me some couple of times.

Then suddenly I realized how lucky I am, blessed with such wonderful family. I’ve always been surrounded by wonderful people.

I’ve always feel these paranoid feelings, uneasy feelings. It’s like I just could not be happy. I don’t seem to have that ability to be happy. And it’s not what I have or do not have around me. It’s just some kinda mental illness that I think maybe genetic (of course I can’t tell you here from which side).

I asked myself, and sometimes also others, “Could I work in this kinda industry?” “Could a person with mental illness be successful in this kinda business?”

I’ve always been so paranoid, insecure about everything, and I’m workin on an industry that talks about risks all the time. Isn’t it silly?

I, maybe just like most people, am so worried about these risks: death, critical illness, and disability. I’m afraid of what would happen if one of them happened to me. That’s why I spent so much for insurance. I spent more than 50% of my income to cover my income. But since I have a very wise agent, I can’t have more protection than I really need. He didn’t let me be more valuable when I’m incapable.

Anyway, the point is, I’m so bipolar. I feel like blowing up all the time. I feel sad when I’m happy, I feel happy when I’m sad. When something bad happened, I’d be sad and pissed that it happened. When something good happened, when I was enjoying something, I’d be sad and pissed because I knew it won’t last long. It won’t last forever.

Sometimes I just hate the fact that all these things aren’t permanent. They’re all temporary. I asked myself over and over again, “If all these things aren’t permanent, how am I supposed to be happy, knowing that fact? What am I going to do about this? What’s the point?”

This morning when the sun finally came up, I suddenly got this enlightenment.

Suddenly I realize that all I’ve gotta do is just enjoying everything while it last. Now some of you might wanna laugh reading this, especially from a person like me, and I used to laugh at this too. But you know, they’re all true. Those happy, successful people are right about this one: if you wanna be happy, you just have to feel thankful about everything.

Thank God for everything I’m now having. Respect what I already have. Thank more, smile more, and give more.

I can’t be happy because I give less than what I’ve received. God has given so much to me. But I hardly gave back to others. My family does everything to me, my family gives so much to me. I don’t do anything for my family. That’s why I’m not happy.

I don’t have communication with God. It makes me unhappy.

God gave me this perfect life: wonderful family, wonderful friends, wonderful life, the health, this breathe I take, every single beautiful second I have.

Well, now when people got some enlightenment, they are either gonna be a better person or gonna die. So, now that I feel like having some enlightenment from God, I wish I was the first one.

Oh, God, please don’t ever kill me! Just make me a better person and let me live lots longer than anybody else as a better person.

And when I was in the airport, it was beautiful moment of my life. The sky was still dark, but from the fresh air, I could tell you that it was morning already.

So, while waiting for Adrian, I sat there at the KFC, having breakfast and coffee, enjoying sunrise and morning weather, writing my notes. The sky was so beautiful. Around me, lots of people were busy with their own business, got ready for their flight. Such a beautiful morning.